TBO.com - TBO is Tampa Bay Online

Stress Levels Are Gaining Momentum

ADVERTISEMENT

The Tampa Tribune

Published: December 2, 2007

This time of year, as the leftover turkey in the back of the refrigerator begins its transformation into something unrecognizable and hordes of shoppers trample each other to grab the final Nintendo Wii on the store shelf, stress levels can rise faster than Dick Cheney's heartbeat on a three-mile hike.

Many people say to me, "Scott, as a noted amateur family counselor and student of behavioral science (Note: Hollifield is actually neither of these and, frankly, we're getting tired of having to include these repeated clarifications to avoid legal difficulties), what tips can you give us for coping with the stresses of the holidays?"

And when I say "many people," I am, of course, referring to those whose voices reside in my head.

Normally, I charge $75 an hour for this kind of advice, which does include a complimentary foot rub, but today, for the sake of long-time, dedicated reader(s) and in the spirit of the season, I'll go over some common holiday scenarios and suggest positive responses so you don't have stay looped on eggnog until mid-January.

Common scenario 1. Your cousin Eugene has just spent three months in custody for stealing copper wire from electric substations and selling it to scrap metal dealers to support his growing dependence on over-the-counter sleep aids.

A heavy-lidded Eugene shows up at your door and announces he has nowhere to go for the holidays, having been kicked out of a halfway house for going all the way.

Always willing to extend your heart and hand to a family member in need, you let Eugene sleep in your outbuilding, running an extension cord from the house to an electric heater inside so he won't freeze to death, though it will most certainly drive up the power bill.

Three days later, Eugene is gone, along with your tiller, a weed trimmer, a power saw, a stack of Playboy magazines hidden under a tarp and the electric heater.

Do you turn in Eugene? No, it's the holiday season. You report a random outbuilding break-in and submit a claim to the insurance company: A four-wheeler, two Remington shotguns, a big-screen HDTV that was in storage and a near-mint condition copy of Action Comics No. 1 valued at nearly $1.4 million.

Christmas just got merrier.

Common scenario 2. Cousin Eugene returns a week later, claiming to have "got religion," after breaking into a church and subsequently being beaten senseless with a mop handle by the janitor.

"It was a moment of clarity," Eugene says.

Free of the demon of over-the-counter sleep aids and filled with the spirit, Eugene turns your front lawn into his own personal tent revival, railing against the evils of alcohol, sex, homosexuality, illegal immigration, the United Nations, liberals, tax-and-spend Democrats, gun control, Hillary Clinton, abortion, Hillary Clinton, universal health care, Hillary Clinton and broccoli. Eugene never did like broccoli.

What to do? Simple. Borrow the church janitor's mop handle.

Common scenario 3. Off the gospel wagon and back on the sleepy-time potion, Cousin Eugene is tragically electrocuted while stealing copper wire from a substation, his luck having run out. There is a pall cast on the holiday season, mainly because someone inexplicably scheduled his memorial service for the same time as the Gator Bowl.

What to do? Again, simple. "Discover" Eugene's last will and testament, written on the back of Hardee's bag shortly before his demise and left in your outbuilding. It clearly states, in his own unique vernacular, "DONT HAVE MY SERVICE WHEN THE GATOR BOWL IS ON WAIT UNTIL FOOTBALL SEASON IS OVER AMEN."

So, when you encounter these common stressful holiday scenarios, you now know what to do. And you just saved $75. Too bad you missed the foot rub.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com. Listen to podcasts of Scott's column at www.mcdowellnews.com.

Share this:

Loading Comments...

Email Print

ADVERTISEMENT