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They could have been the steps to nowhere

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SCOTT HOLLIFIELD Humor At Any Cost

Published: November 25, 2007

The Eiffel Tower steps would have been the perfect compliment to The Door To Nowhere.

Alas, it is not to be.

The 24th and final section of what was the iron staircase ascending the Eiffel Tower has been auctioned off, fetching a handsome $219,390.

The staircase was removed in 1983 to make way for elevators, according to The Associated Press, the source I turn to for stories about overpriced foreign scrap iron ripped from monuments built to commemorate the centennial of the French Revolution.

The 1,911-step rig was cut into sections and auctioned off bit by bit over the years as collectors items.

The owner of a Dutch basketball team named the Eiffel Towers - and about right now you're wondering if I'm making this up, but it's actually true - bought the last section because "it's a very special thing."

The Dutchman's team, by the way, was the Union of European Basketball League champs in 2005 and 2006, despite the disadvantage of playing in wooden Nikes.

So, sadly, the Eiffel Tower steps will never lead to The Door to Nowhere, which is the name we gave the outside door on the attic section of our garage when we moved into our house a year-and-a-half ago.

Technically, it's not a door to nowhere. From the outside in, it leads to the garage's attic. From the inside out, it leads to a 12-foot plunge to the concrete and (a.) the hospital or (b.) the morgue.

Basically, it's a storm door a dozen feet above the ground. The previous owner, one of my favorite cantankerous old guys who disrupted city council meetings, wanted to move heavy filing cabinets into the upper section of the garage, according to family members.

The way to do it, he figured, was to cut a hole, attach a pulley, hoist the filing cabinets to the top and disguise the hole with a storm door.

Frankly, it's what sold me on the house. It presented two grand opportunities: (1) build a deck in front of the door and have a spot to relax after a hard day at work, a place where a king can overlook his small suburban castle with a brew to quench his thirst and BB gun to keep away pesky squirrels; or (2) leave it as is and forever have a conversation piece.

It never ceases to startle someone who hasn't seen it.

"What in the $#! is that door doing up there?"

"Well, reverend, it's an interesting story..."

The previous owner had taken the precaution of nailing a board across the inside of the doorway and writing "Do not open" across it in case anyone visiting the attic took a notion to stroll outside.

I greatly increased the safety measure by writing "I mean it" right below that, which I figure absolves me of any responsibility as a homeowner if someone opens the door and plummets to the concrete.

I also had my wife and daughter stand below as I lectured from above, the storm door swung open into the nothingness.

"As you can see, this is a fully functional door 12 feet off the ground. Although this is one of the coolest things I've ever done, standing up here, looking down and talking to you from a doorway 12 feet above the ground and could easily spit on your heads from up here, never, ever do this, no matter how much fun it may seem. Because it really, really is fun - but dangerous.

Admittedly, over the past year-and-a-half, we've thrown water balloons and dropped various objects to the concrete from The Door to Nowhere, but always under strict adult supervision most of the time.

The Eiffel Tower steps would have been a nice addition, perhaps even increasing its value as a conversation piece.

"What the $#! are the Eiffel Tower steps doing there?"

"Well, reverend, it's an interesting story..."

Scott Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com. Podcasts of his columns can be heard at www.mcdowellnews.com.

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