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How Can A Parent Survive 'The Terrible Twos'?

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By BERNEY WILKINSON, Ph.D.

Published: October 11, 2007

The "Terrible Twos" is an intimidating and frustrating phase for many parents, a time when their loving and pleasant infants turn into angry and controlling toddlers.

Most toddlers use tantrums to gain control and express frustration. Developmentally, 2-year-olds are using only two to three words at a time to communicate. Although they understand most of what their parents say to them, toddlers cannot effectively share their thoughts with their parents. Temper tantrums are a normal part of development as children learn independence and seek to master their environment.

Unfortunately, many parents unintentionally do things that prolong or increase the frequency and intensity of tantrums. As a result, children may throw temper tantrums more often than normal and with greater force to get what they want.

Here are several ways to help head off temper tantrums:

Develop a regular and predictable schedule for your child, particularly at meals and bedtime. Temper tantrums are often triggered by changes in routine or when transitioning from one activity to another. If you are consistent about what you expect and help children prepare for unexpected changes, such as a new day care routine, many tantrums could be prevented.

Divert attention. If you foresee a tantrum coming on, use distraction or humor to take your child's attention away from the source of frustration. You might make a funny face or suggest an activity, such as taking a walk or reading a book together.

Don't give in to your child's demands. You've likely experienced tantrums at the supermarket checkout counter, when a child wants a candy bar that he or she can't have. The worst thing you can do in response to this outburst is buy the candy just to quiet the child down. That reinforces the negative behavior, which increases the likelihood that a tantrum will happen again. Instead, mean no when you say "no," and ride out the emotional storm.

The best strategy may be ignoring. If your child is pitching a fit to gain your attention, ignore the tantrum instead of getting drawn into an argument. When you ignore, your child has to find some other way to express his or her wants. Before ignoring or walking away (though not far), you should make sure no objects are around that could hurt the child. Even if the tantrum erupts in public (where kids know that you are more likely to give in to avoid embarrassment), keep your cool, calmly communicate to your child that you'll be available when he or she calms down, and then let the child go at it.

Don't be alarmed by breath-holding. While scary for parents, these episodes seldom hurt the child. Even if the breath-holding is so severe that the child turns blue and passes out, he or she will naturally recover. You should simply make sure that the toddler does not hurt him or herself by falling, and wait for breathing to automatically resume within seconds.

Most tantrums involve crying, whining, yelling and stomping. If they escalate to include hitting, spitting, cursing, head-banging, threatening or biting, you may want to seek professional help with intervention strategies. Kids exhibiting aggressive behaviors risk hurting themselves or someone else, and other parental responses may be needed.

Berney Wilkinson is a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the USF Health Silver Child Development Center.

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