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Would You Quit Work If Not For Kids' Tuition?

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By JARED SANDBERG The Wall Street Journal

Published: October 17, 2007

It's a common lament in the work world: colleagues who say the only reason they put up with the slog of work - the only reason they aren't out pursuing their dreams as a bandleader, dog breeder or novelist - is because of their children's hairy tuition bills.

Carol Birth, a 31-year-old single mother and teacher, dreams of going back to school to get her doctorate. But not before she can provide for her son.

She sometimes worries she will become 'an embittered self-sacrificial old crone, only one with a college-educated son and a semidecent retirement fund.'

Someday, all her hard work will purchase medical-school supplies or the beginnings of a law library. 'So you keep going. You keep going because it feels selfish to stop,' she says, adding that some days she is pretty sure she would rather clean sewers than do what she is doing now.

Really?

'No,' she admits. In fact, she is satisfied with her job, but likes to complain about it. 'To say you're happy with work is weird,' she says.

So many people tell you to 'follow your dreams' - from commencement speakers to executive coaches - that it is easy to get the impression you aren't.

But there is scant evidence that people aren't doing pretty much what they want, and putting children through school often tops the list.

Pouring money into children-related expenses can feel more like a sacrifice than a choice when you consider what life would be like without children. The notion conjures jet-setting and filthy richness.

'We'd be able to say, 'Hey, let's go to Bermuda for the weekend,'' says George Reinhart, who works for a business research organization. But would he go?

'No,' he says.

While people may talk about freeing themselves from work once they're done with the bulk of child-rearing costs, they usually don't.

The Families and Work Institute, a nonpartisan research organization, found that only 3 percent of parents over 57 whose youngest child is 22 to 25 said they were very likely to leave their job in the next year. The same percentage said they were 'somewhat likely' to leave their job in the next year.

So why do people say it? Fantasies of grand departures can come in handy, says Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the New York-based institute and a mother of two. She used to carry around her passport on the off chance someone would ask her to go to lunch in Brazil.

'It was a ridiculous fantasy. But I completely enjoyed my fantasy, particularly when work was crazy,' she says.

Part of the delusion is that the bills don't stop just because the kid graduated from college. Galinsky is still paying off the second mortgage she took out for her son's college 12 years after he graduated.

Often, one astronomical cost merely is replaced by others that may not have the same ring of nobility as college costs but are still necessary.

'Pensions, 401(k)s and health insurance are the things that are more likely to tie down my professional peers, especially health insurance,' says Tom Archer, a strategy and operations consultant.

'People are as happy as they were 20 years ago,' says Natalie J. Allen, a professor of organizational psychology at the University of Western Ontario. That's why when people say they are staying on the job for the benefit of the kids, she says, 'I'm not convinced that people mean it.'

According to a Gallup Poll, 90 percent of Americans are at least somewhat satisfied with their jobs, and 75 percent say they're satisfied with their pay. Two-thirds would take the same job again 'without hesitation.'

Of course, there are tuition-indentured parents who make huge career sacrifices and simply punch the clock.

But dreams can shift from adventure to stability.

David Eddy, a software programmer and father of a high school junior, used to have an entrepreneurial dream with two high-tech start-ups - start-ups, he says, 'that didn't' because he hadn't fully explored the markets. Now he's dreaming of the predictability of a cubicle job that will help with looming tuition expenses.

Some have managed to find a way to realize their dreams, despite the heady costs of school.

Beverley Tucker, a banker in New York and Cincinnati, had no farming in his background. But that didn't stop him from buying a cattle farm in South Dakota 11 years ago, when his youngest son was almost done with college.

After overcoming some financial obstacles, Tucker has left office life.

'It never occurred to me that it would work out this well,' he says.

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