TBO.com - TBO is Tampa Bay Online

Shed Guilt For Fresh Beginning As Caregiver

ADVERTISEMENT

By LYN ROCHE, Tribune correspondent

Published: October 18, 2007

Dear Lyn: I'm retired and single. I've been taking care of my elderly mother at home. Her memory is good, but she's declining physically. Our family doctor recently told me she should be in a nursing home. Her condition is getting worse and she needs more care than I can provide.

We found a nice place. It's close, so I'm able to see her often. But I'm feeling guilty — like I should be doing more. Any suggestions on how to shake this feeling? I really want to spend time at the facility, but I'm a fish out of water. I should be more cheerful when I visit. – Anna

Dear Anna: Your intellect knows it's time to share the care with professional caregivers in a facility setting. Now your heart needs to know it, too. As primary caregivers, we often place unreal expectations on ourselves and try to do more than is realistic. It's not always possible or within our control to continue care at home. There are no "shoulds" and you have not failed.

You're part of a caregiving team now. This new level of care can introduce fresh beginnings for both you and your mother. Too often our society views long-term care as an ending rather than a new way to be involved with our loved ones and their care.

You said you want more cheerful visits. Professional caregivers are now performing the heavier physical aspects of care. You have a marvelous opportunity to be genuinely attentive to the heartwarming things you can do and enjoy with your mother.

It sounds like you have the desire and the time to become an active part of your mother's new home. If there's a family council, joining it may help you feel more comfortable in the new surroundings. There might be a support group for family members of the residents. You'll most likely find they went through the same adjustments you're going through. Get to know the heart of the facility – the staff and the other residents.

Best of all, you have the opportunity to know your mother and yourself in a special new way when you visit. Do whatever warms your heart. You'll be doing enough and you'll most likely begin to feel more cheerful.

You undoubtedly put some activities you like to do on the backburner when you were caring for her at home. It's not selfish to do things for yourself outside the facility. It's necessary for your own well-being.

Dear Lyn: My husband has Alzheimer's and I care for him at home. We have a lot of relatives and the holidays are always a big deal. I'm dreading them this year. It's only October and plans are already surfacing. I don't see how we can participate in all of the festivities we used to. The stress is mounting. – E-mail from Kit

Dear Kit: The holiday pressure you're feeling is very real for caregivers. Explaining to family and friends that you may have to change some traditions or not be able to attend as many activities this year is honest, realistic, and necessary to alleviate excessive stress for your husband and you. Changing or breaking some old traditions could have delightful results for all involved. Caregiving during the holidays is a subject we'll address more in this column during the coming weeks.

Care-giving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. To submit questions, mail Lyn Roche, P.O. Box 433, Sebring FL 33871. Or e-mail lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at thecaregiverscaregiver.

Share this:

Loading Comments...

Email Print

ADVERTISEMENT