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Wholesome Halloween: That's A Trick, Right?

JOSEPH BROWN III / The Tampa Tribune

Alternative ideas for trick-or-treaters include oatmeal and toys. But will anyone want them?

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By DONNA KOEHN, The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 30, 2007

Updated: 10/29/2007 05:33 pm

Forget the rubbery skeletons, eerie lights and leering pumpkins. For anyone growing up in the '60s and '70s, the true Halloween horror was that old man down the block who tossed an apple into your trick-or-treat bag.

Razor blades or straight pins? Pixy Stix or rat poison?

These days, a creepier villain is afoot. Halloween has gone - eeee-AAAAH! - wholesome.

Parenting magazines and medical Web sites offer plenty of healthy alternatives to Milk Duds and Skittles.

All are fine ideas for your little visitors, especially if you're hoping to score some free toilet paper or eggs.

One site even recommends strapping a pedometer on kids' ankles to make them aware of how many steps they are taking as they go door-to-door.

Here are some actual, published suggestions from well-meaning people whose childhoods must have been spent in a closet.

Cheese: Yes, some people think chunks of cheese are a good choice for trick-or-treat bags, but these people live up North. We live where sweat pools in the latex Freddy mask and Halloween smells like bug spray and deodorant. Mushy Three Musketeers trump ptomaine.

PETA stickers: Choices include little chicks crying, 'I'm not a nugget,' and sad cartoon lobsters begging not to be boiled alive. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals do understand ghoulish. More popular with kids would be stickers from a vegetarian Web site that say, 'Vegans poop three times a day.' But even then, you can't eat them.

Airborne Power Pixies: These are dietary supplements designed to boost the immune system, packaged in straws like Pixy Stix. Do we really want Halloween treats that come with dosage instructions?

Pencils and notepads: Why not just give them a cubicle and a timecard?

Halloween temporary tattoos: Jack-o'-lanterns and witches lose their allure on Nov. 1. If, however, your child chooses to wear his Grim Reaper tattoo longer, your problem might be bigger than cavities.

Toothbrushes: Only if you're a dentist, and even then, get real.

Little packets of oatmeal: We're not kidding.

Apples, homemade popcorn balls: Ready-made for the trash can. (Haven't these people heard of razor blades?)

Granola bars: As appealing as licking this morning's oatmeal bowl.

Little toys: Likely to please only the smallest trick-or-treaters, who probably will try to eat them. Glow-in-the-dark fangs from www.smalltoys.com, however, hold promise for scaring siblings. This site also sells such things as Bag O' Blood, which is red gooey candy in a hospital IV bag. Not bad.

For those who want to compromise between totally decadent (sour gummy worms, Bag O' Blood) and politically correct (fruit cups, dental floss), there are options. Dark chocolate's antioxidants could be Nutritious. Raisinettes might supply fiber and protein. Smarties dissolve quickly and so don't work as much of their sweet evil on teeth.

Or go crazy and buy jumbo bags of neon-colored, tooth-hugging sugary delights. You can eat the leftovers, even the ones with loose wrappings!

Halloween is a night to walk on the wild side. Don't forget your pedometer.

Reporter Donna Koehn can be reached at dkoehn@tampatrib.com or (813) 259-8264.

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