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Two Against The One

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By MAUREEN DOWD

The Tampa Tribune

Published: August 21, 2008

In the dead of night in a small hideaway office in the deserted Capitol, a clandestine meeting takes place between two senators with one goal.

They grin at each other as they lift their celebratory shots of brutally cold Stolichnaya.

"Here's to The One," they toast in unison. "He's toast!"

"Obama should have picked you, Hillary," John McCain tells her. "It isn't fair, my friend. But it just makes it easier for me to whup him."

"Don't worry, John, I've put it behind me," Hillary replies. "I'm looking toward the future now, a future that looks very bright, once we send Twig Legs back to the back bench."

They chortle with delight.

"He's a bright young man, but he got ahead of himself," McCain says. "He needs to be taught a lesson, and we're the ones to do it. Have you seen the new polls? Obama's dropped and we're even again. "

"Oh, John, you know I love you and I'm happy to help," Hillary says. "The themes you took from me are working great - painting Obama as an elitist and out-of-touch celebrity, when we're rich celebrities, too. Turning his big rallies and pretty words into character flaws, charging him with playing the race card - that one always cracks me up. And accusing the media, especially NBC, of playing favorites. It's so easy to get the press to navel-gaze; they're so insecure."

"They're all pinko Commies," McCain laughs. "Especially since they deserted me for The Messiah. Seriously, Hill, that Paris Hilton-Britney Spears ad you came up with was brilliant. I owe you."

Looking pleased, Hillary expertly downs another shot. "His secret fear is being seen as a dumb blonde," she says. "He wants to take a short cut to the top and pose on glossy magazine covers, but he doesn't want to be seen as a glib pretty boy."

McCain lifts his glass to her admiringly. "If I do say so myself, while the rookie was surfing in Hawaii, I ate his pupus for lunch. Pictures of him pushing around a golf ball while I'm pushing around Putin. Priceless."

"I have a little secret to tell you about that, John. Bill made it happen. He loves you so much. He called Putin and told him that if he invaded Georgia, he could count on being invited to the Clinton Global Initiative every year for the rest of his life."

"Wow. Should I call him? I saw your husband's kind words about me in Las Vegas on Monday, saying I'd be just as good as Obama on climate change."

"I think he'd like that," Hillary smiles. "He's still boiling at Obama. "But Obama's says he's finally ready to hit back," McCain says, frowning.

"Now, John, you know that every time he tries to get tough, he quickly runs out of gas."

"How can I ever thank you, my friend?"

"You can announce that you won't be running for re-election because you'd be 76, and you can pick somebody really lame to run with, like your pal Lieberman. That means one term for you, and two for me."

Maureen Dowd is a columnist for The New York Times.

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