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Taking A Break For Protesters, Porn And Daryl Hannah

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By DAVE BARRY Tribune Media Services

The Tampa Tribune

Published: August 29, 2008

DENVER - I will resume my coverage of the Democratic convention as soon as possible, but first I need to address a disturbing issue that we all need to be more disturbed about: bird porn.

I found out about this issue while hanging out at the convention center with my fellow journalism professional James Lileks. We were doing what journalists do at major news events, namely, whine that there is no news, when James got a text-message tip that there was a bird-porn protest going on in downtown Denver.

"Bird porn?" I said.

"I have no idea," he said.

We immediately hailed a pedicab. Pedicabs are rickshaw-style vehicles pedaled by fit young people who offset your carbon by pedaling you around Denver in exchange for tips. Our pedaler was named Keiren Valentine. She had a nose ring but was otherwise kind of like a regular taxi driver, in the sense that she got annoyed when pedestrians got in her way and forced her to stop.

"Are YOU relying on inertia?" she muttered at them. "Oh no, that's just me."

After we'd gone a few blocks another pedicab driver, Colette Valery, zoomed up looking excited and said to Keiren, "I'm on my way to pick up Daryl Hannah!"

James and I looked at each other. This was a moment of decision, a moment we had been preparing for, as journalism professionals, all our lives.

"Belay the bird porn," we told Keiren. "Follow that pedicab!"

So we zoomed off after Colette, who stopped several blocks away at a hotel, and out came Daryl Hannah. Probably you want to know what she is really like, as a person and a human being. I would say, based on gawking at her from a distance of two feet, that she is quite attractive, although of course not in the same league as my wife.

Hannah and a man got into Colette's pedicab, and they took off.

"On to the bird porn!" we said to Keiren.

Minutes later we arrived at a busy street corner where a woman was holding up a sign that said "DEMOCRATS STOP BIRD PORN!" She was with two men, one with a bullhorn, who were handing out leaflets that said "BIRD WATCHERS ARE VOYEURS!" and "LEAVE THE BIRDS ALONE!"

I spoke to the sign woman, Anaida Krok, and the bullhorn man, Ed Brenner. Their position, if I understand them correctly, is that bird-watchers are perverts who enjoy watching birds have sex, and this must be stopped.

I asked Brenner what was so bad about watching birds have sex.

"If you're sitting at home, making love," he said, "would you want somebody peeking through your window at you?"

"Sitting?" I said.

"But what if you're making love on your lawn?" said James. (He was making the point that birds have sex in public, not that he, James Lileks, makes love on the lawn.) (As far as I know.) (He IS from Minneapolis.)

Dave Barry's column is distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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