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Having Duplicate Items Ready Can Limit Stress Of Alzheimer's

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By LYN ROCHE

Tribune correspondent

Published: August 30, 2008

Dear Lyn: My husband has Alzheimer's. He's constantly forgetful and he loses, misplaces or breaks things. I understand it's all part of the disease. But he generally has an elaborate excuse for why he can't remember something, why he can't find something, or why something doesn't work. He even accuses me of taking something he can't find. I don't mean to be cross with him, but sometimes I am. I need coping strategies on this. - Little Patience

Dear Little Patience: Patience is something most caregivers wish they had in abundance. It's difficult and painful to see the changes in our loved ones brought about by the disease. It's also hard to let go of our expectations.

However, grace and mercy on your part can come easier by understanding the possible reasons for his behavior. He might be making excuses because he's embarrassed. He could realize that he's lost an item or broken it and he doesn't want to be blamed. So, he accuses you or someone else. Whatever his reasoning, he's doing the best he can. It's very likely that because of the changes in his brain, he believes what he says about the situation to be true.

Next time one of these incidents occurs, try asking yourself, "What's really important here?" Quite possibly, you'll conclude that whatever brings him the most peace will result in greater peace for you as well.

If there's a pattern of losing certain items that can be easily replaced, buy a number of them and store them somewhere in the house. When something's lost, offer to help find it. Spend a little time looking and then joyfully "find" the lost item for him. Your relationship will probably improve and your impatience may even disappear in the process.

You can do the same thing when he breaks a simple household gadget. Offer to look at the item and attempt to fix it. If it's really broken, bring out a new one from your secret stash.

My father constantly fiddled with things and broke them. Often they weren't broken, he just could no longer figure out how they worked. Instead of making him feel bad, we'd agree that something didn't work and we'd try to "fix it" together. Maintaining his dignity was what was important, and once I figured that out, I found it much easier to be patient with him.

However, I didn't always find it easy to accept the blame when he'd accuse me of doing something I didn't do. Nevertheless, when I'd just apologize, it usually worked wonders. He'd accept my apology and then I'd quickly divert him to another subject or activity, something more pleasant for both of us.

My mom and I used the practice of having multiple items available when it came to a certain shirt my dad liked. He'd insist on wearing it day after day. He'd look for that shirt every morning, find it in the laundry hamper, and wear it even though it was dirty.

Eventually, either Mom or I washed that shirt every night after he went to bed and we were tired. Then, it dawned on us to buy three more shirts identical to it. He didn't know the difference. He was happy to find his favorite shirt in his dresser drawer every morning. And, not surprisingly, everyone's grumpiness and our impatience associated with his having to wear that shirt disappeared.
Lyn and Bill Roche will be on the faculty of SomeOne Cares Christian Caregiver Conference from Sept. 16-18 in Ridgecrest, N.C. For more information, visit www.someonecaresonline.com.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregiverscaregiver.

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