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New Old Moms: Raising A Baby After 40

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By SHERRI ACKERMAN | The Tampa Tribune

Published: December 15, 2008

TAMPA - It happens sooner or later to even the most youthful of us new mommies over 40.

There we are in Home Depot matching a pink Behr's paint chip with our sweet baby girl's quilted crib bumper when some stranger pipes up in a sing-song voice: "Looks like someone's decorating their granddaughter's nursery."

Ouch!

With more new moms 40 and older pushing strollers these days and with such notable women as Vice President Nominee Sarah Palin having babies amid their fourth decade, you'd think folks would file such comments under Things You Never Ever Say To A Woman like "When are you due?"

But I've learned from other New Old Moms, it ain't so.

People, including one of my coworkers notorious for sticking her foot in her mouth, feel the need to ask us older mommies questions they wouldn't necessarily foist on new younger mothers.

Like "How OLD are you?" (45) "Did you do IVF?' (No) "Is this one of those Oops Change of Life Babies?" (Uh, no) And my favorite, "Aren't you tired?'' (Yes, and so are my 20- and 30-something friends who just had babies)

Despite our growing numbers, New Old Moms – the name comes from one of the few websites I found on the subject – struggle for acceptance and support.

Tina Williams of Tarpon Springs became a target for thoughtless comments after giving birth at 42 to her fourth daughter nicknamed "Baby Beans."

While playing with her tot on Howard Beach earlier this year, Williams caught the eye of a spectator who felt perfectly entitled to ask: "Is she your little 'change of life' baby?"

Williams was 43 at the time and, "in my opinion at least, I didn't look old enough to be going through my 'change of life'," she rants on her blog, www.newoldmomsclub.com "I quickly replied, 'No. She was a vacation souvenir but she definitely has CHANGED my life!' "

"Oh, I see," the only slightly red-faced woman retorted. "You're just one of those New Old Moms."

Williams, a New York transplant with a background in social media marketing, stewed for a few days before realizing she had an opportunity to reach out to other older moms – and a pithy name for her blog.

There's a list of categories open for discussion, including one on celebrity older moms like Palin, who garnered criticism during the presidential campaign for, of all things, choosing to have a baby at 44. Her infant son, Trig, was born with Down Syndrome.

"Didn't she know the risks?" some people sniped. "How irresponsible," others huffed.

Williams, who discovered the public debate while Twittering, was appalled. What pregnant woman over 40 isn't aware of the health risks? And, outside of an expectant mother and father, whose business is it anyway?

Then a friend, who got in on the conversation, argued that such a choice goes beyond the new parents.

"It's not about you," she told Williams. "I know you can handle anything. It's about your other girls. Do you want to leave that burden to one of your daughters?''

"The question shocked me," Williams blogged later. "It made me cry. I cried. … a lot. In the end, a child is a child and a gift. Period."

National health statistics show the number of women 40 and older having babies has more than doubled in the past 30 years. Women are waiting for all sorts of reasons.

Sometimes it's to finish their education or start careers; other times they just haven't met the right partner. A recent Census survey showed the median age for women marrying for the first time is 26 (28 for men).

And fertility treatments are extending biological clocks, giving some women even more reason to extend their child-bearing years.

I didn't plan on being a New Old Mom, but I finished college later, landed my first reporting job at 28 and didn't find the love of my life until I was 32. We spent the first few years traveling cross-country and overseas. For some reason, we didn't feel particularly rushed to have kids.

Maybe that's because our parents had children when they were older, too. My mom had her third and fourth children at age 33 and 35. My husband's dad was 39 when he had him.

Shortly after our Alaskan honeymoon, we decided to let nature take its course. After a few years, we realized we were way off course.

We talked to my ob-gyn, who immediately suggested fertility tests. Two years later, we were faced with a decision that could leave us emotionally and financially bankrupt – in vitro fertilization.

We weren't prepared to go that route and, thankfully, we didn't have to. I was 42 when we had our son. I gave birth to my daughter three months after my 44th birthday.

With my son, I felt like I was in the best shape of my life. My doctor agreed and steered me away from additional genetic testing. Two years and a new doctor later, I had an amniocentesis to determine if my daughter had chromosomal abnormalities.

It was a gut-wrenching decision. We weren't sure if we could handle raising a special-needs child, but in the end we couldn't imagine not having a baby we so longed for. Thankfully, our little bean was healthy and normal.

"I don't know what I would've done," says Sara Thrower, who also underwent genetic testing when she got pregnant at 39. "We were very concerned about it."

All was right, though, and Thrower, a critical care nurse manager at Tampa General Hospital, and her husband now have a healthy 3-year-old boy who still doesn't sleep through the night but "keeps us young."

Lori Desmond admits she was nervous when she found out 11 years ago she was pregnant at age 40 with her second child.

She decided on testing, but a year later, when she became pregnant with her third son, she skipped the amnio.

"My doctor didn't feel it was necessary," said Desmond, whose boys are now 10, 11 and 19.

Women over 40 obviously have concerns. Not only is it harder for them to get pregnant, they have a 50/50 chance of miscarriage and a marked increase in chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome.

"Once they do get pregnant women tend to do quite well over 40," says David Keefe, chairman of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of South Florida and an infertility specialist with USF's IVF program.

For one thing, they're usually in good shape physically, Keefe says. They tend to be well-educated, avid readers and healthy eaters.

"Older women bring much more maturity to child rearing," he says. "They're much more ready and happy in their role."

Of course, Keefe has a bit of personal insight on this matter. His mother had him when she was 41, and two more children at 43 and 46. Despite how unusual that was a half-century ago, she kept it all in perspective, Keefe says.

During his mother's funeral four years ago, Keefe met a stranger who told him his mother had crashed the bride-to-be's wedding reception after learning in the church bulletin she was 40.

"I thought you might have some questions," his mother told the newlywed. "I married at 40. Doctors will tell you you can't have children. Don't listen."

For women 45 and younger, having a baby is perfectly reasonable, says Jill Hechtman, medical director of Tampa Obstetrics, a private practice that specializes in fertility issues.

However, older moms need to realize having a baby might compound health problems that tend to appear in mid-life anyway like diabetes and hypertension, she says.

Older moms also tend to experience more pronounced side effects from the pregnancy such as vomiting, increased spider veins and difficulty losing weight, Hechtman says.

"Our bodies don't bounce back as well," she says.

There are other issues to think about, as well. Being older parents means even older grandparents for your kids. Keefe never knew his grandparents. We only have my mother-in-law, Flo.

Being a new old mom or dad also means you might someday be the oldest parent in your child's class, maybe by as much as 20 years like me and Desmond.

"I don't socialize as much," she admits. "I do feel different in the circle because I am a little bit different."

No one ever criticized the Tampa General burn unit nurse manager for deciding to have children in mid-life, "But I was an anomaly."

She chose to proceed with humor. Friends and family followed suit and celebrated her baby shower and 40th birthday at the same time with gifts of onesies and Geritol.

Today, colleagues joke her kids will be in high school when she and her husband are on Medicare.

"I wouldn't trade it for the world," Desmond says of the experience. "In some ways, it's keeping me younger."

But she does think she's more tired this time around. My husband and I felt like walking zombies until about three months ago when our youngest finally started sleeping through the night.

"The first year was the hardest," Thrower agrees "Probably, if I were younger it would be much easier."

Maybe. But, really, isn't everyone with two kids this tired?

Reporter Sherri Ackerman can be reached at (813) 259-7144.

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