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There's No Harm In Believing

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By CARL HONORE

Special to The Washington Post

Published: December 25, 2008

When it comes to Santa Claus, my 9-year-old son is letting go in stages. The other day he made a key tactical concession.

"I've decided I don't believe that elves make all the Christmas presents," he announced. "But I do still believe in Santa himself." He spoke without catching my eye, in a tone that made it clear that the subject was now closed.

It was a poignant moment. A child warming his hands on the dying embers of make-believe, trying to delay passage into the adult world of cold, hard facts. A little boy, pulled in two directions, turning to his father for reassurance.

So how did I respond? With a parental panic attack, of course. The familiar questions came thick and fast: Were we wrong to let our son believe in Santa Claus? Will he be traumatized by the truth? Or feel so betrayed by us that he struggles to form relationships in later life?

These days, the Great Santa Debate isn't just about whether to pretend that every Christmas a paunchy old man in a red suit squeezes down millions of chimneys bearing gifts. Oh no, it goes much deeper than that. It feeds into a broader culture of parental hysteria.

Of course, earlier generations grappled with the Santa question. In 1897, the New York Sun published its famous editorial assuring an 8-year-old girl that "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" and life would be drab without him. But today the Santa debate seems more charged than ever. Just look at the brouhaha stirred up in the blogosphere by Macy's "Believe" advertising and charity campaign, which encourages children to write letters to St. Nick at the North Pole.

With everyone from teachers and celebrities to parents and psychologists weighing in, the battle lines in this debate are starkly drawn. One camp dismisses the Santa story as a pernicious lie that commercializes Christmas, excludes non-Christians and ruptures the trust between parent and child; the other embraces it as a bit of harmless fun that reflects the imagination and wonder of childhood. On both sides, the strength of feeling can be startling. One blogger writes that lying to your children about Santa is a "form of child abuse."

Nor is the sound and fury confined to the online world. I know a couple in Manhattan - where else? - who hired a therapist to help their children cope with the news that Father Christmas is not real.

Thanks to smaller families, greater affluence and higher expectations, modern parenting is fraught with anxiety, fear and guilt. It feels as though it's all-or-nothing out there.

Make even the smallest mistake - utter a harsh word at the wrong moment or fail to nurture a talent early enough - and your child will be scarred for life.

The upshot is that we push, polish and protect our children with superhuman zeal. Think Baby Einstein DVDs and Mandarin-speaking nannies; schedules jammed with ballet, football, tutoring, tennis, baseball, piano; GPS tracking devices in the school backpack; bans on such "dangerous activities" as tag, marbles and snowball fights; grade inflation and endless self-esteem initiatives to make everyone feel good about themselves.

But much of this fretting is misplaced. Of course parenting is crucial, but the bottom line is that not every single thing we do as parents leaves an indelible mark, for good or ill, on our children. Kids are more resilient than that. They can handle disappointment, boredom and feeling bad from time to time - in fact, these things can make them stronger.

When it comes to Christmas, and to everything else connected with children, we could all turn down the thermostat a little. Instead of freaking out about how everyone else is parenting, we need to relax and find the recipe that works best for our own families.

My wife and I have decided to let our son's belief in Santa run its course. When the time comes to face the truth, he'll be OK. The only question now is whether he can keep the secret from his younger sister.

Already there are signs that her faith in Santa will not last as long. The other day at breakfast she looked up from her toast and asked me point-blank: "Do you really think elves make all the Christmas presents?"

Carl Honore is the author of "Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children From the Culture of Hyper-Parenting."

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