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Fairly Risky: What To Eat On The Midway

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By JEFF HOUCK, The Tampa Tribune

Published: February 5, 2008

TAMPA - The biggest gamble at the Florida State Fair won't be the carnival games along the midway.

No, the real risk will come from eating deliciously decadent fair treats, then pushing the limits of gastric retention by jumping on a thrill ride.

It's understandable why people would risk it. There's so much great food among the 200 vendors at the fair, which starts Thursday and runs through Feb. 18.

Crispy, buttery, sugary elephant ears. Melt-on-your-tongue cotton candy. Roasted almonds encrusted with sweet glaze. Carmel apples sticky enough to rip the braces out of a teenager's mouth. Food that would make a cardiologist faint.

As a new twist, the fair also will include a Hispanic food court, featuring such authentic Mexican, Cuban and Puerto Rican cuisine as horchata, flan, empanadas, burritos, tropical ice creams in coconut shells and Brazilian churrasco.

Along with last year's freak show holdovers of fried Oreos, fried Twinkies and fried Pepsi, this year's menu includes garlic mashed potatoes on a stick. And deep-fried bratwurst. And deep-fried fruit. And, gulp, steamed clams.

Any one of which would be fine in the vacuum of a food fair. But thrill-ride dangers lurk nearby.

Like the Cliffhanger, in which riders lie on their stomachs hang-glider-style and spin in circles 20 feet in the air.

Or the Nitro. Mighty Bluegrass Shows, one of the ride purveyors, describes the experience thusly: "Riders sit in floorless seats with their feet dangling, as the claw begins to spin, the pendulum begins to swing, giving riders a unique sensation."

With all that sweet, greasy food and those kinds of "unique" rides in mind, we thought we would offer a guide to helping you maintain your enjoyment of what the fair has to offer without losing your gastrointestinal investment, to coin a phrase.

We've created a helpful guide to assist you in making your food and entertainment choices. Mix and match your food to your rides, add up the points, and go to Page 10 to see where you stand.

MENU ITEM

Almonds (1 point)

Lemonade (1 point)

Pizza (5 points)

Crab cakes (5 points)

Candied apple (5 points)

Wet burritos (10 points)

Walking tacos (10 points)

Deep-fried fruit (10 points)

Garlic mashed potatoes on a stick (15 points)

Deep-fried bratwurst (15 points

Steamed clams (20 points)

RIDES

Ferris wheel (2 points)

Jungle of Fun funhouse (2 points)

Tomb of Doom dark ride (3 points)

Cliffhanger (5 points)

Scrambler (10 points)

Spider (10 points)

Tilt-a-Whirl (10 points)

Wave Swinger (10 points)

Zipper (15 points)

Super Himalaya (15 points)

Big Ben Tower (20 points)

Magnum (20 points

Pharaoh's Fury (20 points)

Nitro (35 points)

0 to 10 points

You're not much of a risk-taker from a culinary or kinetic motion standpoint. Sitting on the vibrating Footsie Wootsie massage chair is probably all you could handle. Sip some Pepto and sit on a bench while everyone else has fun.

11 to 20 points

You like to sample a little of what life has to offer. Good for you. But don't get too crazy. You might just have fun.

21 to 30 points

Oh, come on. You've gone this far. What more will it hurt to choke down a fried Oreo and then go on the Zipper a few dozen times? Step up and join the big leagues. Going halfway won't be good enough to cement your legend among friends. Look for the big challenge that will set you apart.

31 to 50 points

You're the kind who likes to scream and yell in your seat with your arms flailing above your head. And that's before the ride starts. If you were a character in "Shrek," you'd be a donkey on the edge. You're still a lot of fun for everyone around you - you're the catalyst people invite to their parties to get things going - but you're dangerously close to becoming the mayor of Crazytown. Stop now before people start calling you "Lohan" behind your back.

More than 50 points and above

When the operators running the rides start to look at you with a mixture of fear and disgust, it's time to leave the fairgrounds. Besides, your probation officer might see you.

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