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North Port Man Struggles To Live After Wife's Homicide

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By ZAC ANDERSON

Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Published: February 7, 2008

ENGLEWOOD - One of Nathan Lee's biggest fears is that his sons will grow up with no real memories of their mother, so every evening he has 2-year-old Noah kiss her good night.

"Who is that?" Nathan asks, pointing at a life-size picture of Denise Lee..

"Momma!" Noah replies.

"Give Momma a kiss," Nathan says, before lifting his son into a crib at the foot of his father's bed.

This is the ritual that keeps Nathan going as he faces the future without Denise, slain in February after going missing from their North Port home.

Up at 7 a.m. with the boys. Grandpa cooks breakfast. Reading. Games. Bottles. Diapers. The young ones are in bed by 9 p.m.

Sleep eludes Nathan.

If he did not have Noah and 6-month-old Adam, he said, he would "have no reason to live."

But despair is a luxury Nathan, 23, does not afford himself. Not with two children to raise. No way.

It creeps in sometimes, like when another sappy love song plays on the radio.

Nathan used to think those songs were written just for Denise and him.

The radio stays off now.

It has been three weeks since 21-year-old Denise was stolen from him, but in many ways, her absence is just being felt by those closest to her as they pick up the pieces of her life.

For Denise's father, Rick Goff, talking about his daughter eases the pain.

"I feel better when I'm talking about her because I want people to remember what a good person she was," said Goff, a Charlotte County sheriff's deputy.

Caring for Noah and Adam provides solace for Denise's mother, Sue Goff.

"The kids keep me going," she said. "Denise was such a good mother. They were her life, so it makes me feel closer to her."

These things help Nathan, too, but he cannot shake the feeling of being utterly adrift. Denise was the organized one. Denise was the practical one. Denise had the answers -- in school, in parenting, in life.

Nathan still talks to her every night. Searching for a sign. Seeking a way forward.

"I just want so bad for a sign that she's listening," Nathan said. "It never comes, but I know that she is."

Slowly, the family slips back into old routines. Baseball practice began Tuesday for Tyler, 14, Denise's younger brother, and Rick says coaching is a good distraction.

Rick and Sue return to work Monday for the first time since the tragedy.

Nathan wants to go back, too, but he worries about being alone with his thoughts all day as a meter reader for Florida Power & Light.

Denise used to keep Nathan company during the long work days. Nathan would put his cell phone in his breast pocket and leave it on speaker phone.

Most of the time the couple did not even talk. Nathan would listen to Denise read Noah a book or give the boys a bath.

Those memories are mixed with anger and sadness now.

"One of the hardest parts for me is looking back at all the times I took Denise for granted," Nathan said.

Then the anger comes. Anger at Denise's killer, who took those moments away after just four years together.

Nathan is seeing a psychologist to work through his emotions.

The children help, too.

"You can't be mad when you're with them," he said.

While Nathan spoke, Noah ran by on the pool deck at the Goffs' Englewood home chasing Cosmo, a cat Denise and Nathan rescued when they were dating and attending the University of South Florida in Tampa.

Noah's blond hair and blue eyes are a constant reminder of his mother. So is the boy's kindness.

"He likes to hug other children," Nathan said. "Denise taught him to be gentle, like her."

In conversation, Nathan, Rick and Sue always come back to what a good person Denise was. How she did not deserve her fate.

Denise was wholesome. Her favorite place was Disney World. She liked thrill rides, especially Tower of Terror.

Denise was kind. She rescued stray cats and wanted to teach disabled children.

Denise was smart. She liked to watch the TV show "Law & Order," "and she always figured out the mystery before it was over," Nathan said.

Denise was selfless. She rarely bought herself new clothes and made lunch for Nathan every day.

"She never gave us any problems," Rick said. "She would stay up late every night finishing her homework. I'd have to come in and force her to go to bed."

Boys were never a problem, either. Denise did not really date until she met Nathan.

Driving was a different story.

"My girl was not a great driver," Rick said with a laugh. "She smashed up a couple of cars."

Denise, who graduated near the top of her class at Lemon Bay High School in 2005, looked up to her dad and was interested in law, but after having kids she talked about becoming a speech therapist.

"She wanted to go back to school and we were going to make that happen," Nathan said.

Now Nathan is considering establishing a scholarship fund in Denise's name. He also wants to set up a nonprofit foundation that would help other families who have lost loved ones.

The tidal wave of community support for his family has been so overwhelming, it almost makes him feel guilty. Cards and money have come in from all over the country.

"I am so grateful; it helps so much," he said.

"But I know there are other people out there with similar circumstances who are not getting the kind of support I'm getting."

Nathan plans to take a few more weeks off work to organize all the donations that have come in and ease back into his routine.

The first step will be to perform this weekend with the Venice Symphony. He has played trumpet for the group since high school.

Denise loved that he was a musician.

"I was captain of my varsity baseball team, but she didn't even know that," he said. "She just knew I was in the band. She loved listening to me play the trumpet, and I know she would want me to get back into it."

The symphony allows Nathan to blend into the background after the intense spotlight of recent weeks.

On Thursday, he sat in the back row as the 73-member ensemble practiced at Venice's Church of the Nazarene, his shaved head barely visible.

The group practiced Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E-Flat Major.

The second movement of Beethoven's milestone work is a funeral dirge that one critic has described as the embodiment of overwhelming despair. But it covers a range of emotions and ends on an upbeat note.

"I've been trying to find something positive in all this," Nathan said before practice. "I'm just glad Denise was able to touch so many lives."

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