TBO.com - TBO is Tampa Bay Online

Here's How To Weather Small Talk Successfully

ADVERTISEMENT

By JULIA FELDMEIER, Special to The Washington Post

Published: February 14, 2008

WASHINGTON - It's cold outside today, isn't it?

Yes! It's frigid!

Makes me wistful for spring.

Me, too. I love warm weather.

Well, duh. Who doesn't? But even the worst weather has an upside: conversation fodder.

Chitchat, idle banter, cocktail party conversation - small talk is ubiquitous. It's a staple of happy hours, sure, but it's also invoked in job interviews and at networking functions. It's a necessary step toward talking a bigger game.

It can also be maddeningly mundane. So what makes light conversation good conversation? And how can those of us who are less silver-tongued learn not to sweat the small stuff?

"People are looking for the perfect thing to say," says Debra Fine, author of "The Fine Art of Small Talk" (Hyperion, 2005). "But most of us perfectionists never come up with the perfect icebreaker."

Hence, weather. It's a commonality, Fine says. So are Britney Spears (tragic, isn't it?), traffic (brutal, as always) and the fate of the local baseball team (will it ever hit the big time?). If the goal of small talk is to make the other person comfortable with you, agreeable topics are ideal.

"Focus on something that can put you on the same level as the person," says Jim Hewes, longtime bartender at the Willard InterContinental hotel's Round Robin Bar. "If the TV is on and the football game's on and you say, 'Go, Redskins,' and the guy at the bar says, 'Yeah, I love the Redskins,' then all of a sudden you've established common ground. Then he tells you that he lives in Cincinnati but used to live in Washington."

Whether or not you're a Redskins fan, conversation breeds conversation. Cliched openers turn up nuggets that beget richer topics.

"I haven't traveled much, but I know about things all over the world through the people I meet," Hewes says, "so I can carry on a conversation with someone about the weather in Tucson or the golf courses outside Sarasota Springs."

If knowledge is conversational sustenance, here's an idea: Read a newspaper.

"If you feel that you know enough things going on that you can fall back on, you're going to be more comfortable and more open about starting a conversation," says Susan RoAne, author of "What Do I Say Next?" (Grand Central, 1999).

Be Prepared With Talking Points

The icebreaker is one thing; keeping the conversation going is another. Preparing a handful of talking points alleviates the problem of what to say next.

Imagine you're a job applicant. The interviewer comes to take you to her office. You shake hands and follow her down the hall, which is endless.

You finally get there, pleasantries about the weather exchanged. The interviewer calls her supervisor to sit in on the meeting. The supervisor says she'll be there in two minutes. Two minutes of filler conversation! Gulp.

It's up to you to assume the burden. If candidates are equally qualified, "they'll hire the one they feel comfortable with, not the one who's awkward," Fine says.

When in doubt, experts say, ask questions and listen. Attentiveness is flattery in the highest degree. Smart follow-up questions show you're interested and help the conversation flow.

Above all, experts say, don't panic when there are pauses. Such lulls are inevitable, and chances are the other person feels equally self-conscious.

At parties, of course, there is a delightful antidote to conversational awkwardness: alcohol. Booze has its limitations (slurry talk is not small talk), but it also presents a strategic opportunity. At cocktail parties and similar events, experts say, it's smart to stand near the bar or appetizer table. There's a constant flow of people and built-in commonality.

Those puff pastries are delicious, aren't they?

Indeed! I wonder what's in them?

(Uh, butter. Lots of butter.)

Just remember that cocktail parties are meant for movement, for interacting across the room.

"There should be a flow at a party like that," says Jeanne Martinet, author of "The Art of Mingling" (St. Martin's Griffin, 2006). "If everybody finds someone and stays talking to them, the party just stops."

Wrapping Up Conversations

Abandoning a conversation partner can be tricky, though.

Terry Bell, co-owner and hairstylist at Ilo Salon & Day Spa here, is good at knowing how to read people and when to exit the conversation.

"If a client sits in front of you and she opens up a magazine, you know that person does not want to talk," Bell says.

If you're talking to someone whose eyes are roaming the room, they're ready to mingle. That's when you should excuse yourself to grab food or a drink or say hello to the hostess, experts say.

"Giving someone just a little explanation of why you have to exit is thoughtful," RoAne says.

It's also good etiquette to say that you enjoyed speaking with the person and, when possible, to mention something you discussed.

What if you're ready to move on, but the other person isn't catching your signals?

Fine suggests waving a white flag of sorts: acknowledging that although there's someone else you would like to see, you want to hear the person's story before you go.

"You're saying, 'OK, I want to get over there, but I'm giving you two minutes to wrap this up,'" Fine says. "People with good manners recognize that."

BETTER NOT ASK

Open mouth, insert foot. We've all done it: unleashed conversational gaffes that have given new weight to the term "pregnant pause." Here are some tips from experts on questions not to bring up:

•"So, where do you work?"

Yawn. "There are so many other parts to people," says Garlin Nicholas, a veteran hairstylist at Celadon Spa in Washington. Let the topic emerge organically; otherwise, it may seem as though you're asking about people's jobs as a way of sizing them up.

•"Are you single?"

There are three possibilities here: (A) It's the start of a come-on, which is awkward. (B) It's the prelude to a matchmaking attempt. Again, awkward. Or (C) you've forgotten how much you hated that question when you were single.

•"You're a Democrat, right?"

Contrary to conventional wisdom, you can talk about politics. "The mistake most of us make with politics or religion is that we come across as know-it-alls," author Debra Fine says. It's OK to state your thoughts, but be sure to listen to others' opinions in return.

Share this:

Loading Comments...

Email Print

ADVERTISEMENT