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By Daniel Ruth

Published: January 8, 2008

"I'm Gene Deckerhoff along with Dave Moore and this introduction for today's Tampa Bay Buccaneers game was just brought to you by eHarmony.com, for when you are looking for that special person in your life."

"Gene, that was very creepy."

"I know Dave, such is the life of a shill, and speaking of shills, this particular shilling is brought to you by the Ed McMahon School of Shills."

"Ewwwwwww, Jeff Garcia just sustained a vicious, brutal pounding from the New York Giants' Dave Tollefson, leaving the Bucs quarterback's entrails oozing all over the 15-yard line. Whatta maiming!"

"That's right Dave, in fact that was the maim-of-the-week, brought to you by Culpepper Kurland Personal Injury Attorneys, serving Tampa's maiming needs for at least the last 20 minutes. Remember: When you've been maimed, think Culpepper Kurland."

"It looks as if Bucs head coach Jon Gruden has just reverted to a fetal position and is now foaming at the mouth, which I think is safe to say would be our Prozac Meltdown-Of-The-Week, Gene."

Bleeding Profusely

"I see that Garcia is bleeding profusely, which is sponsored by the DVD version of 'Carrie.' He's returned and is trying to play quarterback using a walker."

"And that can only mean, Gene, this play was brought to you by Hillary Rodham Clinton for president."

"Ah, I see we've reached the two-minute warning Dave, which is brought to you by the good folks at Viagra."

"Welcome back for the second half, where the score is 14-7 in favor of the Giants, which means when you are thinking of scoring, Ybor City awaits, especially Two Bit Gin Joint Chippie Nights every night: When you don't care who you wake up with, Ybor City is the place for you."

"What bad luck. Jeff Garcia, who is now attempting to play quarterback from a gurney provided by Tampa General Hospital, has just thrown an interception into the arms of the Giants' Corey Webster, which can only mean one thing, isn't that right Gene?"

The Nutcracker

"Yessir, Dave, that interception was brought to you by the U.S. Homeland Security Department - for all your wire-tapping, letter-opening, surveillance and interception needs, it's the Department of Homeland Security."

"Webster is celebrating by performing the Cha-Cha, the Tango, the Macarena and the entire second act of 'The Nutcracker,' which is sponsored by 'Dancing With The Stars.'"

"Boy, was that nasty! Jeff Garcia, who is now attempting to play quarterback in a full body cast, was just completely obliterated not only by the entire Giants defense, but the 82nd Airborne Division and the Bucs cheerleaders, which reminds me: For your next hit job, call The Mafia - experience counts."

"Well Gene, the clock is running out on the Bucs season, a clock provided by Rolex, by the way. After the game, coach Jon Gruden, who has now been fitted with Hannibal Lecter-esque restraints, will be conducting his post-mortem with the press."

"Can't wait for that Dave. And don't forget, the coach's analysis is brought to you by Blount & Curry Funeral Homes, serving Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans' woes for ...

"For a very long time, Gene."

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