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Searching For Dignity In Old Age

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: January 12, 2008

"Congratulations, the operation was a complete success."

My wife and I, sitting in the waiting room at St. Joseph's Hospital, looked at each other then back to the doctor. I thought to myself, "Doc, you have a warped sense of success."

You see, my mother-in-law was a relatively healthy 79-year-old woman living in assisted care back in May. Sure, she had some trouble getting around, was forgetful, had diabetes and several mini-strokes (the docs call them TIAs). But she could walk, talk, dress and feed herself, and use the bathroom all without a lot of help. Then she fell and broke her hip.

The doctors "successfully" removed her leg in that operation after a series of events led to a pressure wound that would not heal on her foot and was turning gangrenous. Since May, she has spent every day in a hospital or nursing home and will never return to her "home" in assisted living.

Today, she can do none of the things she could in May. She can't walk, can't perceptibly talk, can't feed herself, can't dress herself and has no prospect of ever being able to do those things again. The trauma, anesthesia and multiple medications have deepened her descent into dementia. A woman with a master's degree in guidance education who spent 30 years teaching and counseling in the Hillsborough school system, who was an avid Buccaneer and Gator fan, and who could ardently debate you on any political topic, now stares blankly at the TV.

That's only the half of it at my house.

My mother is in a similar condition in a nursing home in Melbourne. My father died when I was 9, and my mother managed to raise two boys, take care of her aging parents and her brother when he fell ill, work, pay the bills and save a tidy sum of money, all without a college education. When it came time for her to retire, she spent her time volunteering at the hospital and then helping us with her grandchildren.

But on Christmas five years ago, I noticed that she was frequently repeating herself and asking the same questions over and over. Within two months, she was in the hospital, and she has had 24-hour care every day since, living the last 18 months in a nursing home. She has severe dementia and is paralyzed on one side from a stroke. She knows who we are but can't remember much of anything else.

We brought her a homemade pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. She ate a piece and said how good it was. Then, 30 seconds later, she saw the pie and asked, "What kind of pie is that?" Her entire savings, even with medical insurance and Medicare, is gone, and we have had to apply for Medicaid.

Is there commonality between these two women who have lived such different lives?

Their physical condition, for the most part, is not too bad. Their hearts are fine, as are their lungs, liver and kidneys. They could live in their conditions for years.

Medical science has made such great strides in improving medical care, but somewhere along the way, I think we forgot to improve the quality of life that goes with longer life spans. We have given them a healthier future, but at the expense of their dignity.

As my tearful wife so aptly put it, "I would never let my dog suffer the way my mother has."

Jim Dyal is a real estate developer.

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