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Keeping Pants From Falling Through Cracks

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By Daniel Ruth

Published: January 15, 2008

Some officeholders are remembered for legislation or policies bearing their names - Taft-Hartley, McCain-Feingold, Reaganomics.

And if enough votes fall their way, Orlando state Sen. Gary Siplin and his House counterpart, Rep. Ed Bullard of Miami, both Democrats, may well go down in Florida history as the men who covered up Florida's keisters.

To be sure, when first entering the public arena, most politicians probably have visions of themselves championing the great issues of the day - injustice, economic progress, fighting crime, saving the environment.

So it's probably fair to assume that neither Siplin, D-Tuchis, nor Bullard, D-Rump, ever suspected when they were elected to the Legislature that they would find themselves leading the charge to have young men stop walking around like ... well, bums.
Big Butts
Both men have filed companion bills, loosely titled the "Pull Up Your Britches Bill," which would (FINALLY!!!!) make it sort of illegal to appear in public with one's pants pulled down below one's rear end exposing one's rather disquieting buttocks and/or one's extremely unattractive underwear.

Apparently this sort of thing is considered a fashion statement. And that statement is: "I am the village idiot."

First-time offenders would receive a warning and phone call to their parents, although if the parents were all that attentive to their lad's appearance the kid would never have been let out of the door with his derriere in full bloom.

Additional violations would result in school suspensions ranging from three to 10 days, but if these chaps cared all that much about school they wouldn't be showing up for class looking like hoosegow hussies.

Siplin and Bullard are not the first to, ahem, expose the hanging butt problem rear-ending society. Lawmakers in Trenton, N.J., Atlanta and several Louisiana parishes have passed laws to force youths to pull up their &^%$#*&^&% PANTS for crying out loud!

Tried & Failed

For years Siplin has tried and failed to get his "Do We Really Need To Have To Look At That?" bill through the Legislature.

There has been some speculation that requiring young men to wear their pants in the manner for which they were originally intended somehow would be a violation of the First Amendment, suggesting that walking around in society revealing one's plumber's crack is a form of freedom of expression.

And just what is that expression? "Look at me! I have all the class of Vlad the Impaler meets sasquatch."

Who knows if Siplin and Bullard will prevail this year. But this much is certain: Their hearts are in the right place.

For this issue isn't about fashion (or the lack thereof).

It is about self-respect and common decency and realizing that while it is awfully hard to get a job when your tush is flopping out of your trousers, it sure makes it easier to get a "date" in prison.

Perhaps Siplin and Bullard may next want to take on legislation to do something about many of the state's high school girls who go to class looking like something out of the Future Floozies of America. It's just a thought.

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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