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I'm All Heart, But Drugs Turn Me Into A Pill

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By DANIEL RUTH The Tampa Tribune

Published: January 17, 2008

There have been times over the past five years when I have felt I've consumed more pills than Kurt Cobain by way of Keith Richards - and I haven't had even one halfway decent hallucination.

Such is the life, I suppose, of a recovering triple coronary bypass patient. And now it appears that quite a bit of the stuff I've been gulping down has been about as effective, to borrow John Nance Garner's lovely line, as a bucket of warm spit.

Almost from the moment I came to after being carved up in 2002, one cardiologist after another has tried to prescribe all manner of medications with the promise the little capsules would reduce my cholesterol levels, which have generally been somewhere between those of Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Sunny von Bulow.

I even met with a nutritionist, who suggested eating spinach and cardboard for the rest of my life.

The medicine cabinet at various times has looked a bit like this: Bayer Aspirin, St. Joseph children's aspirin, Lipitor, Zetia, Vytorin, red rice yeast, fish oil, niacin and some stuff I can't remember. Drugs do that, you know.

None of it has done much good for me except if I experience even a minor cut, the result is something out of "Sweeney Todd."

Prescribing Chicken Bones

And now we know partly that some of this stuff has been about as medically efficacious as interpreting chicken bones in the dirt.

Despite gazillions of dollars spent on hyping these drugs, the pharmaceutical companies that produce Vytorin and Zetia announced this week that their products failed to slow the buildup of artery-clogging plaque. Oooooops-squared.

If one of the doctors who have treated me over the past few years reads this, I'm sure I'll probably be thought of as a bad patient, but I take some small solace in being in front of the pill curve in that I stopped paying homage to the prescription drug industry some time ago.

Zetia? Been there, done that. Vytorin? Yummers; thanks, but no thanks. And Lipitor? Wasn't crazy about the side effects, which involved lethargy, among other unpleasant things.

According to the commercials for medications to treat restless leg syndrome, the side effects can include gambling and sexual compulsions. Your leg may still twitch, but at least you can have a few laughs.

Candlelight And Ol' Blue Eyes

Alas, with some of the cardiac/cholesterol pills I've taken, uh, how to put this gently, there have been some gastrointestinal adventures, which certainly didn't include a pair of dice and/or candlelight and Frank Sinatra.

Since my coronary bypass surgery, I've diligently worked out with regularity, watched my diet, and otherwise pursued a reasonably healthy lifestyle. I've simply taken a bypass on all the pills.

I certainly don't recommend my choices to anyone. A lot of these various cholesterol lowering drugs may help many people with precious little ill effect.

And if something came along that would actually work for me, I would be nuts not to take advantage of the medication.

In the meantime, five years after my surgery I feel amazingly healthy for an old coot.

Of course, sauteed cardboard isn't bad with a bit of salsa on the side.

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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