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We're Gonna Need Plenty Of Popcorn

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By DANIEL RUTH, The Tampa Tribune

Published: January 29, 2008

Coming soon to a Gag-A-Plex near you, these blockbuster Florida primary thrillers.

•"No Country For Old Men" - John McCain as you've never seen him before, as a grumpy hit man for the AARP with a bad haircut and armed with a lethal opinion poll hunting down Mitt Romney, who is trying to make off with a treasure trove of delegates.

•"27 Dresses" - Rudy Giuliani plays himself in this portrait of a man torn between his lust for the White House and the desire to become Dame Edna's understudy.

•"Atonement" - The tear-jerker of the year, starring Bill Clinton as an aging bloviator who manages to single-handedly turn his wife's once-promising presidential campaign into a Jerry Springer episode by offending every black person in the country except Alan Keyes.

•"There Will Be Votes" - Starring Willard Romney as a ruthless candidate who will do anything, say anything and spend vast sums of his personal fortune to win the White House. This is a sequel to "The Governor Has Two Faces."

Annoying People

•"Alien vs. Predator" - Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich co-star as delusional politicos who lure a tiny group of unsuspecting rubes to give them money to travel across the country annoying people.

•"The Bucket List" - John Edwards stars as a candidate whose campaign is failing, but he continues to hit the hustings because he likes the sound of applause and has nothing else to do.

•"Rodhamo" - Hillary Rodham Clinton delights as a humorless former corporate lawyer using the ultimate weapon - a voice that cracks glass, sets off car alarms and interferes with high-frequency radio signals - as she attempts to lead a rag-tag band of liberals to free a group of insurance lobbyists being held prisoner in a city built on a swamp.

•"Dead Man Campaigning - The Fred Thompson Story" - Abe Vigoda stars as a presidential aspirant with the pulse of Yasser Arafat.

Plucky Wife

•"Mr. Obama Builds His Dream House" - A romantic comedy about a much-beloved presidential candidate who is perceived as Mr. Perfect by his legions of admirers only to be constantly exposed by his plucky wife, played by Oprah Winfrey, as a slob who leaves his stinky socks on the floor and belches a lot.

•"First Sunday" - Follow the wacky adventures of newcomer Mike Huckabee as a jovial, fun-loving, wise-cracking neighbor who is secretly studying to become a professional snake handler. Also subtitled in tongues.

•"Charlie Crist's War" - An up-and-coming Southern governor uses all his charm and clout to finagle the passage of a property tax amendment that is more densely written and complicated to understand than "Remembrances of Things Past."

•"Untraceable - The Duncan Hunter Story" - A politician somehow manages to spend several months running for president and nobody notices. Cameo appearances by Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Mike Gravel and Jimmy Hoffa.

•"The Great Debaters" - Presidential candidates from both parties assemble for a series of literate, erudite discussions on serious, pressing public policy issues. This surreal science fiction drama is directed by Oliver Stone, the master of historical fantasies.

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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