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Respecting The Dignity Of Our Elders

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: January 31, 2008

Dear Lyn: I read your column on long-distance caregiving. My parents live across the country. Caregiving may be in my future someday, but the thought of reversing roles and caring for them seems unreal to me. Would things be easier if I ask them to move near me now? — Curious

Dear Curious: Good question. I welcome the opportunity to address the delicate balance between maintaining the dignity of our elders and overseeing their care. Reversing roles with parents is difficult at best when it's necessary. No one looks forward to it.

Making decisions for another adult isn't something he or she is apt to respond to in a positive way. We certainly wouldn't tell a friend where to live. We may feel a responsibility for the well-being of a parent, but if he or she is competent, we can only offer ideas and choices for consideration.

However, by sharing with your parents now that you would enjoy having them closer, you'll be planting the idea. Like a seed, it may grow — if you don't force it. Remain open and willing to listen to their desires.

This could prove to be just the right time for planting your friendly suggestion. Your parents may welcome the idea. Making a move while they're healthy, and still able to make new friends and establish themselves in your community, might make sense to them.

My grandmother rejoiced at the idea of moving closer to me when she was in her 90s, but my husband's parents didn't go along with the suggestion that they move near us when his mom developed Alzheimer's. My husband's younger sister and brother-in-law lived near them. To my husband and his sister, however, it seemed easier if their parents lived by us; she still had a young child at home and our kids were grown. But the decision of our elders was respected. They remained in their hometown.

My mother and father chose to move near us when my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. After his death, we had the opportunity to relocate. Mom again willingly chose to move with us.

There is no right or wrong answer here. Every family and situation is unique. Fortunately, a variety of elder care resources are available in most communities. By utilizing the suggestions I made in the aforementioned column and striving to maintain the dignity of our loved ones, a healthy situation for everyone involved can be achieved.

If an adult child feels strongly that the care and health of an aging parent would be better served in the community or in the home in which the adult child lives, the subject is best approached as an invitation or suggestion, not a command. No one likes to be controlled or told what to do, especially not adults — and especially not our parents.

It's easier when an elderly adult is able to be part of the decision-making process. If someone is no longer competent to make decisions, of course, someone else must decide. Even then, though, decisions can be based on the care directives and wishes voiced by that loved one when he or she was competent.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregivers
caregiver.com

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