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Winner Of This Stupid Exercise Gets A - Coffin!

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Daniel Ruth

The Tampa Tribune

Published: July 5, 2008

This being the Fourth of July weekend, if I were king I would issue a simple proclamation, something along these lines:

Over the holiday some of you folks are going to find yourself throwing back a few adult beverages. And thus I have ordered all bars, taverns, saloons and dives to post a photograph of the late Eric Morris throughout these drinking establishments.

You might recall Morris died last week after pounding down more than 20 shots of cherry-flavored vodka during a so-called drinking contest at a quaint bistro known as the Angels Show Bar in Seffner.

This elegant hideaway features cheesy women clad in bikinis for the bemusement of the clientele. It is probably fair to say no one would ever confuse Angels Show Bar with the Palma Ceia Golf & Country Club.

At some point Morris, who was not known to be a particularly avid imbiber, was challenged by a co-worker to a drinking contest.
Bilge Swill

The other contestant conceded defeat after five shots of cherry-flavored vodka.

It's merely a guess, but the waving of the white flag might have had something to do with the fact that cherry-flavored vodka has to make bilge swill taste like Evian water.

And yet for some inexplicable reason Morris carried on chugging back shot after shot until he passed out, vomited and eventually died.

By all accounts, although he had had some scrapes with the law, Eric Morris, at 29, was working to turn his life around. And to die so senselessly in such an absurd manner is certainly a tragedy.
Florida law does not require bartenders to prevent idiotic drinking games.

Still there ought to be a law that would obligate servers to point to Morris' photo hanging above the bar and tell their customers the following:

"OK, so you two redneck morons want to have a drinking contest? Fine. See that guy in the photograph up there, Eric Morris? Well, he once 'won' a drinking game and his grand prize was a coffin.

More Studly?

"So let me ask you two oafs a question. Let's say Festus manages to out-drink Billy Bob. Uh, not to be indelicate but - so what? Does Festus' ability to consume more shots of cheap, hideous, hooch you wouldn't offer a condemned man make him more of a stud, stronger, handsomer?

"We sure know it doesn't make him any brighter!

"Or suppose Billy Bob barfs his way to schnocker immortality by out-quaffing Festus.

"Does the victor of rot-gut vodka guzzling claim a new pickup, or a trip to Branson, or perhaps a poster of country western chanteuse Gretchen Wilson, who knows a thing or two about hooch hurling?

"Nope. Whichever of you two who is still standing, or still alive, will simply be known among your, ahem, peers as some half-wit goober who managed to drink a lot in one sitting. Like this has never happened before?

"Well, if you still want to press ahead with a contest to determine who is the bigger hillbilly chucklehead, that's great. If you're paying, I'm pouring. I just need two things: your car keys and the names of your next of kin. Cheers!"

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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