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Hurting Son and Ill Father Have Opportunity For New Relationship

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: July 19, 2008

Dear Lyn: I'm writing because I'm the caregiver for my husband, who is not well. We have one son. He's 39 and has no children. He got divorced six months ago. He has lived in another state since he graduated from college. Last month he moved back here. He's living with us until he can find a job here and get a place of his own. My husband and our son are both great guys, but they've always butted heads with each other.

I used to be able to handle it, but at this point, they're driving me absolutely nuts! It seems to me that every interaction between them is confrontational. I feel the tension something awful, but I don't know if they do. Our son doesn't appear to understand his dad's limitations or why his dad does or doesn't do certain things. What can I do to help them get along better? - Reluctant Referee

Dear Reluctant: You shouldn't have to be a referee for your son and your husband. You are not responsible for helping them get along with each other. They are both adults and responsible for the relationship between them.

All three of you are going through difficult personal circumstances right now. For you, it's understandable that observing what you feel are confrontations adds to the stress you already have as caregiver for your husband. You didn't reveal the nature of his illness; however, there are some suggestions that may help ease the situation until your son can move out and get on with his life.

Talk with your son about his dad's illness. Direct him to reliable resources on the Internet or good books that will explain his dad's current condition to him. Once he has some facts about the illness, its effects, and its progression, he may better understand why his dad does or doesn't do some things. Maybe he can begin to interact with him based on understanding and compassion of what his dad is personally experiencing.

Do you or your husband belong to a support group for your husband's illness? If so, you might suggest your son join you at the meetings.

Has your son attended any divorce recovery classes or groups? If not, he may personally benefit from doing so. They usually offer healthy skills to aide in healing the painful effects of divorce. It's also one way for him to make new friends of his own in your community, friends he can relate to because they understand what he's been going through.

Last, but certainly not least, what are you doing for yourself? If you haven't gotten out of the house to do something fun with a friend or friends lately, get on the phone right now and make some plans! Take advantage of your son being there and let him help care for his dad. Arm him with information about his dad's condition first and then let them interact without a referee. Do it on a regular basis.

They have a unique and special opportunity to help each other. They may find they need each other right now in a special father-son way that they've never experienced or enjoyed before now. You said they are both great guys. Trust them.

Note to readers: Lyn and her husband, Bill, will be on the faculty for the SomeOne Cares Christian Caregiver Conference from Sept. 16-18 in Ridgecrest, N.C. They will be among many speakers offering workshops for caregivers and church leaders. For more information, visit www.someonecaresonline.com.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871, or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregiverscaregiver.com

© Journey Publications 2008

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