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The Stew

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By JEFF HOUCK

The Tampa Tribune

Published: July 30, 2008

APPETITE FOR SEDUCTION

Tripped across this list of chef pickup lines at Eggbeater, a food blog by Shuna Fish Lydon at eggbeater.typepad.com that I enjoy and read regularly. I liked the list because there are lots of in-jokes that only chefs can appreciate, such as the references to burned forearms, the lack of free time away from work and, of course, specific cooking techniques and seasonings. Great metaphors, all.

"Sure, I could date a waiter or a host, but I don't want to look like I believe my own hype," Lydon writes. "It's so 5 minutes ago. It's been done. And done. I am not a Food Network star. I want to look beyond the doors of a restaurant. I'm looking for suggestions on how chefs can pick up those in the greater public. What do you think of these?"

•"Do you know how to dance the Meringue?"

•"I'm like a slow braised protein. A tender, succulent animal."

•"Mmmmmm, you smell like brown butter. Delicious."

•"Need your knife sharpened, baby?"

•"Looks like you need a little extra seasoning in your life. I got the right kinds of salt."

•"How about we quit this crazy service and pass out at my place?"

•"Want to learn how to truss with me?"

•"Wanna get together on my next day off, next month?"

•"Meet your parents? Sure, show them the kitchen after dinner. I'll be there every night this week."

•"Damn! You dance like a headless chicken! I can't wait to pick your feathers!"

•"Oooooh the insides of your arms are so smooth."

•"You make me smokin' hot, like 220 all day."

•"I'll bring my knives, saute pans, stockpots, whetstone, side towels, roasting pans, balloon whisk, tasting spoon, ceramic honing steel, Maldon and grey salt, chinois, tamis and first-press olive oil. You? Just watch. And clean up your house tomorrow."

•"Let's trade: Your voracious for my rapacious."

•"You make my highly sensitive palate water."

SEEING RED MESA
After loads of recommendations from friends and colleagues over the years, I finally had dinner the other night at Red Mesa, a Mexican and Southwestern restaurant in St. Petersburg. The last time I had been to that location was probably 15 years ago when it was Seabar - a place I enjoyed very much.

We started with the fried calamari served with chipotle and habanero aioli. For entrees, my wife had the shrimp and sea scallop fideo (shrimp and scallops, chorizo, poblano chili, peas and fideo pasta in spicy chili sauce topped with queso fresco). I had the enchilada trio: a combination of three enchiladas filled with shrimp and crab with poblano cream sauce, chicken with salsa roja and duck breast with raspberry-chipotle cream sauce. We each had a glass of sangria with dinner.

Was it worth the drive from eastern Hillsborough County and the 30-minute wait outside in the humidity? Let's put it this way: Midway through dinner, I started calculating how many times a month we could afford to make the trip. It was that good. And as good as the food was, the service was even better.

When was the last time a restaurant exceeded my expectations? I can't remember. It's been that long.

RHETORICAL QUESTION

Other than running out of filters or beans, is there a more jarring experience for a die-hard-gotta-have-it-in-the-morning coffee fanatic than pulling a broken carafe out of a dishwasher? Seeing the recognition in someone's eyes that she's in for a week of discomfort while waiting for a replacement to arrive is like watching a kid learn that Santa isn't real.

PB&J TO THE RESCUE

My favorite YouTube video of the week comes from the PB&J Campaign, which argues that one way to reduce your carbon footprint is to eat peanut butter and jelly instead of a hamburger.

The video argues that by doing so, you save 3.5 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions, 280 gallons of water and 50 square feet of land that it would take to farm with cows. All with one sandwich.

I have no idea if any of that is accurate or relative - it still takes a lot to bring peanuts, jelly, sugar and grain to the process, not to mention their packaging and transport - but it sounds like a delicious idea. To see the video, go online to my blog, The Stew, at TBO.com, keyword: Stew.

NEXT!

As nearly unwatchable as "The Next Food Network Star" was this year, it was made even less relevant last week when Food Network accidentally leaked the results online Friday ahead of the weekend finale. Aaron McCargo Jr. won. It was the only reasonable outcome.

In a mildly related note, Food Network also put out an online casting call last week for "hopeless cooks" by asking the following questions:

"Do your kids beg to eat out after you've worked hard to make a family meal? Has your husband/wife told you it was probably better if you ordered takeout? At the big potluck dinner, are you always asked to 'just bring the napkins'?"

I don't know that the network really needs a culinary "Gong Show." It could save itself time and trouble by using the first five people to be eliminated from "The Next Food Network Star."

PLANNING FOR THE PIG

Mark your calendars: The sixth annual Plant City State Championship Pig Jam is 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Nov. 22. It's sanctioned by the Kansas City Barbecue Society.

For information, call (813) 754-3707 or e-mail info@plantcity.org.

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