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Mother's Personality Grates On Daughters

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By LYN ROCHE Tribune correspondent

The Tampa Tribune

Published: June 6, 2008

How Do You Care For A Chronically Toxic Parent?

Dear Lyn: I read your column and always look forward to the helpful hints and stories you share. My problem is one I have not seen in your column. How do you tell whether a person who has always been nasty and unpleasant is becoming more so because of age-related problems or just because her lifelong personality is becoming more pronounced as she gets older?

Nothing my sister or I have done (or could ever do) is enough for our mother. When we left home, our father became the target of her wrath. She's gotten worse since he died. We are constantly the targets of her petty insults, and various manipulations. She always says nasty, mean stuff and whines and complains incessantly. I learned long ago to stop trying to please her.

At any rate, she is still our mother. No matter what, we want the best for her. Any ideas on how to cope with a parent you have spent your life trying to get away from, and now may have to come back to because of health concerns? - Anonymous Email

Dear Anonymous: From your description, your mother's toxic behavior has been a long, ongoing condition. Increased nastiness on her part as she ages could be related to any number of things, among them how she perceives and handles the countless challenges of being elderly. Some authorities would describe your mother as chronically unhappy. Don't expect her conduct to change. It's not likely your mother will mellow with increased age. Even if deep down she realizes she's always been difficult, lifelong habits are hard to break.

The thought of having to be increasingly more interactive with her, and possibly becoming caregivers for her if her health declines, is naturally a concern for both you and your sister. It may seem to you like all caregivers grew up in healthy environments with loving parents. The fact is, many adult children were raised in an atmosphere similar to the one in which you grew up. That doesn't make it OK or excuse your mother. Nor does it mean you have to be around her all the time and perform day-to-day care for her.

You said you want the best for her. There are many excellent eldercare services today. Get to know what's available, before you think you'll need it. Find out what choices you have prior to making any commitments or decisions regarding caregiving. Join a support group now, even though you're not actually caring for your mother at this time. Find one for adult children who care for elderly parents. You'll learn a lot from them.

You also said you learned long ago to stop trying to please your mother. Good for you! It sounds like you know something about setting boundaries and modifying your reactions to recriminations and other contentious behavior on your mother's part. However, I located some books you might consider reading. The information they contain could add to your coping skills. Here's a list to begin with: "Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent," by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane; "Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life," by Susan Forward; "Toxic People; 10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable," by Lillian Glass. They are all available on Amazon.com.

If either you or your sister becomes inappropriately angry about the possibility of becoming more involved with your mother, overwhelmed or depressed by old unresolved issues, don't hesitate to talk with a professional counselor.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregiverscaregiver.

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