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Ingredients For Spicing Up Nursing Home Visits

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By LYN ROCHE

Tribune correspondent

Published: June 21, 2008

Dear Lyn: My 85-year-old mother moved into a nursing home a few months ago. She's adjusted well and has even made friends. She has many interests. She still reads and likes to paint.

Our family is big and most of us live close enough to visit her. But she doesn't remember our visits! Her doctor says she doesn't have Alzheimer's, but she never seems to remember that we've been there. The aides tell us she says her family never comes! Sometimes we'll even tell her when we're going to come, and when we get there, she isn't in her room and we have to go look for her. When we find her, she's involved in some activity, but she seems really happy to see us. She always introduces us to her friends.

Is there any way to help her remember that we're coming? She doesn't have a phone in her room. I guess we could actually use any suggestions regarding "spicing up" our visits. Maybe they just aren't memorable enough for her. - Caroline

Dear Caroline: I think your mother is playing games with you. She most likely loves to have you arrive when she's with her friends. She gets to show you off to her friends and they also see that she's important to her family, because you all come visit her. Besides, she sounds too social to just sit in her room alone and wait for you to show up. She sounds like a neat lady - still painting and enjoying life.

If you're really concerned that she doesn't remember things, write her a note she can carry with her saying when you're next visit will be. Better yet, buy a big monthly calendar. Put it on the wall in her room. Write your name on the dates you plan to come. Include the times also, if you can. Write big enough so she can see it easily.

However, if you want to be more creative, have stickers made with your picture on them. At the end of each visit, stop by her room and put a sticker on the calendar marking the next time you plan to come. She'll have a fun way of remembering (if she actually is a bit forgetful.) Encourage other members of your family to adopt the same practice. She'll have a calendar full of familiar names and faces! Try not to break a date. It's like a promise. If you cannot keep a date or you'll be late, call the facility and ask them to tell her.

Another thoughtful thing some families do when loved ones actually forget they've had visitors is to purchase a nice, colorful guestbook for their loved one's room. Before they leave each time they visit, they write a note in the book with the date. They include a little description of what they did together and say what a nice time they had during the visit. It's a lovely reminder, and the aides can read the entries to a resident who forgets quickly and believes the family wasn't there.

As far as "spicing" up your visits, there are many things you can do. You can bring a child with you, a family pet, pictures from a recent trip, a delicious favorite goodie, a craft to work on together, the ingredients for creating an old family recipe together in the activity room kitchen, or all the makings for a tea party. She'd probably be delighted if you asked her friends to join you at the tea party!

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregiverscaregiver.com

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