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Whose Cuisine Reigns Supreme?

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By JADEN HAIR

Tribune correspondent

Published: June 25, 2008

I finally got my first taste of stress in the kitchen last week in an "Iron Chef"-like competition against Ray "Dr. BBQ" Lampe. I affectionately refer to him as my "one degree from Justin Timberlake" as he's Sexyback's executive chef in New York.

The competition was called "Iron Chef: Battle of the Grill vs. the Wok," and you could not have picked more opposite competitors. If you've never seen Dr. BBQ, picture a big, bad king of the grill with multiple heavyweight pit-master championship belts that he twirls around his finger. Many tattoos. And a long goatee that he whips around to slap annoying, hyperactive Chinese chicks.

And me? The only time I get any grill action is when Scott's out of town and I can sneak in a hot, lusty affair with Weber, Charbroil or whatever his name is. I'm too much of a wimp to get my bellybutton pierced, let alone volunteer to be stabbed repeatedly 10 times per second by a needle filled with ink. No, I'd prefer to click-clack in my 3-inch heels, flip my perky ponytail and pretend I'm saying "prune" like the Olsen twins to create that perfect pout.

Like the real "Iron Chef" competition, we had a panel of judges who scored us for plating, taste, use of ingredients and being able to deliver the goods on time. And that's where the similarities end. You think "Iron Chef" is intense? We each had seven kitchen assistants whom we met only seconds before the competition started. These were regular people who PAID to have a fun evening of learning, cooking and eating. Do you know what that means? No swearing! No calling any team members "donkeys" a la Gordon Ramsay! No sabotaging Dr. BBQ's ingredients!

Four dishes were to be served: an appetizer, main, side and dessert. We had to feed 24 people, and the appetizer had to be served 40 minutes after start. While Dr. BBQ, who's been through more than 300 competitions, was joking around and knockin' back drinks with his team, I went into OCD overdrive. I didn't have time to chit-chat and memorize names, so I assigned numbers to my team members, like Dr. House. No. 5 was my sous chef, a 12-year-old kid.

I busted out a spreadsheet that detailed which team member did what job at precisely what time. No. 4, skin the salmon! No. 2, grate the corn! No. 6, chop the scallions! No. 7, don't burn the ham! NO TIME FOR TALKY TALKY! GET CHOPPY CHOPPY!

After the first 20 minutes, the spreadsheet was ditched. Just because I've dined at The French Laundry before, it certainly doesn't make me a Thomas Keller, who runs his kitchen with militarylike precision. We even ended up losing the recipes; there was no time for the team to read them, so I called out instructions on the fly and seasoned the entire meal by taste.

While I was totally off on my Minced Chicken and Corn Soup seasoning (my fault; I didn't add enough salt) our Asian Herb-Crusted Salmon With Garlic Butter Noodles was spot on, thanks to No. 3, who cooked the salmon perfectly, and No. 1, who made sure we had all ingredients ready for the noodles. The Chilled Sweet Coconut With Tapioca and Melon was the most perfect dessert to cool and calm the palate.

So whose cuisine reigned supreme? I'm proud to say that Team Steamy Kitchen kicked some BBQ butt! Well, in all honesty, I barely squeaked out a win. But, hey, it's my first cooking competition ever, and I'll take the victory!

My team rocked! I can't believe how quickly they learned how to skin a side of salmon and wok-fry. Now that I've won and my head is as big as a blimp, I get to choose my next challenger. Come on. You tell me which local chef I should challenge in August. And if you've ever wanted a taste of the kitchen heat, sign up to participate at the Rolling Pin Kitchen Emporium in Brandon.

CHILLED SWEET COCONUT WITH TAPIOCA AND MELON

3 cups water

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 cup whole milk

2 cups full-fat coconut milk

2/3 cup 1-millimeter small dried tapioca pearls

2 cups 1/2-inch diced melon (honeydew or cantaloupe)

In a medium-sized pot, bring the water and sugar to a boil. When boiling, turn the heat to low, and stir in the milk. When the mixture returns to a boil, turn off heat and stir in the coconut milk. Make sure you are not boiling the coconut milk (which would make it oily). Remove from heat, let cool to room temperature, and chill in refrigerator for at least 2 hours.

Soak tapioca pearls in cold water for 20 minutes. The pearls will expand and turn bright white. Drain. In a medium pot, add about a quart of water, and bring to a boil. Turn off heat, add the drained tapioca pearls and stir constantly for 1 1/2 minutes. Immediately drain in fine mesh sieve and run cold water through the sieve to stop the tapioca pearls from cooking further. Combine with the coconut milk mixture, and continue to chill in refrigerator. You can prepare everything above up to 3 days in advance.

To serve, ladle the sweet coconut milk with tapioca into a bowl, and add a big spoonful of diced, fresh melon.

Makes 8 servings.

Notes: Do not combine the melon and the coconut milk until just before serving. Storing the honeydew and the coconut milk together in the same container makes the melon bitter.

Jaden Hair is a cooking instructor and author of the blog Jaden's Steamy Kitchen at www.steamy kitchen.com.

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