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Call It Down And Dirty

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By MARTIN FENNELLY | The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 13, 2008

ST. PETERSBURG - Is it too late to get Elijah Dukes back?

The Rays could use a good light heavyweight the next time they play the Yankees.

The last time they played the Yankees was Wednesday. It was just another laid-back spring training game, unless you count the reprisals, the five ejections, the hit batter, the bench warnings, Yankees chowderhead Shelley Duncan trying to make Rays second baseman Akinori Iwamura into twins, the ensuing fracas and Rays wild man Jonny Gomes racing in from right field as fracas nearly turned to melee. Do I hear brouhaha? Melee going once, melee going twice ...

All that was missing was, well, punches. Ah, baseball.

"I nearly went gangster on him," Gomes said.

And all of it in the first two innings.

Too bad these nutty teams aren't playing today. The Yankees, who used to stand for something, are allowing comedian of privilege Billy Crystal to wear the pinstripes in an actual game. You see, it's New York Billy's 60th birthday present (Wonder what Eliot Spitzer got him). Right about now, what Rays fan wouldn't pay big money to see Carl Crawford barrel roll Funny Man so hard his ears ooze what looks like onion dip?

Memories Of Ty Cobb

"What you saw today is the definition of a dirty play," Rays manager Joe Maddon said of Duncan's slide and spiking of Iwamura, for which Duncan was ejected even before Gomes got to him and was ejected, too. "There is no room for that in our game. It's contemptible, it's wrong, it's borderline criminal, and I cannot believe they did that."

Yeah, this thing is going away real soon.

So went the 61st anniversary of the first game played at Albert F. Lang Field. For old time's sake, Babe Ruth's only grandchild, 53-year-old Linda Ruth Tosetti, threw out the ceremonial first pitch.

Shelley Duncan got so nostalgic he came as Ty Cobb, spikes glistening in the sun as they rammed Iwamura above the knee. Any higher and Aki wouldn't have been able to make more little Akis.

Our story really began Saturday in Tampa, when Rays infielder Elliot Johnson became Public Enemy No. 1 in New York until Client No. 9. In Yankees manager Joe Girardi's definition of a dirty play, Johnson supposedly went too hard for March in ramming New York's Francisco Cervelli at the plate, breaking the catcher's wrist.

Girardi backed his team up but went too far, all but assuring Duncan's retaliatory hatchet job. Girardi's mealy was firmly inserted in his mouth after Wednesday's game.

"I like aggressive baseball," he said of Duncan's slide. "That's the way I was taught to play. But I don't like dirty baseball."

Huh?

You can argue about whether Johnson violated baseball's unwritten code (would someone write it down already?), but Duncan's assault was textbook Down and Dirty.

It occurred shortly after Yankees starting pitcher Heath Phillips was ejected for nicking Rays prospect Evan Longoria, a questionable heave-ho, to be sure. Duncan hit a ball to left off Longoria's glove, rounded first and was out by about 103 feet as he zeroed in on Iwamura.

"I call it a hard slide," Duncan said.

We call it dock goon.

Iwamura was bloodied (Girardi noted that Cervelli underwent surgery Wednesday). Gomes nearly ran out of his tattoos on his way in from right. Neidermeyer - dead! Duncan - dead! The only questions remaining surrounded suspensions and whether New York tabloids would play the incident above or below the state's governor resignation.

I know what the Babe would say about all this.

"$5,000 for one broad?"

Time To Grow Up In Standings

Across the years, the Rays respected the classy Yankees and the Yankees respected the spunky Rays. Well, that's over. Now the Rays are upstart punks and the Yankees are tired defenders of a crumbling dynasty. Hey, it works for us.

These teams meet twice more at Legends Field & Steel Shark Cage before 18 games of real season. Here's hoping neither side obtains weapons-grade plutonium.

A quick note to Rays: Clearing your bench in March isn't winning 92 games. If the Yankees need to grow up, then the Rays do, too, at least in the standings. That's how you make real rivalries.

Until then, everyone needs to listen to the Bambino. OK, his Grand Bambino.

Take it away, Linda Ruth Tosetti!

"My grandfather would say, 'Boys, let's play baseball.'"

Now everybody shake hands.

And godspeed to Billy Crystal's hamstrings.

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