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These Poor Souls Never Had A Prayer

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Daniel Ruth

The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 15, 2008

Looking to theo-huckster Paula White, the Elmer Gantry of Givenchy, for advice as a "life coach" is a bit like using Hulk Hogan as role model for elegant sartorial understatement.

But there she is, proof that on the eighth day God created the ATM, back in town this week to lead yet another unsuspecting flock of liturgical lemmings to the promised scam.

White is sort of the Perle Mesta of Proverbs in her role as the hostess of the "Life By Design" conference being held at her ex-husband Randy's "Without A Chance Of Getting Out With Your Wallet Intact" make-believe church.

It's a three-day event, thus giving White and her Hole In The Gospel Gang of Buddy Rich-esque Bible Thumpers plenty of time to pass the hat, pass the basket, pass the trough and, oh the hell with it, let's just sign up everybody for electronic bank transfers to make the picking of the pockets more rube-friendly.

If you are gullible enough to think the likes of Paula White, the Blessed Virgin of Botox, and her disciples of duplicity are going to make your life better, you are probably already a bigger hapless chump than Elmer Fudd gazing into the barrel end of his shotgun.

Apostles Of Avarice

"My goal as a life coach is to mentor and encourage individuals to be all they can be, to understand who they are and their unique purpose in life," claimed White, the Mother Superior of Neiman Marcus. "There is a plan designated for each person, and I believe this meeting will help enable people to walk in that plan."

And do you know what that plan, that unique purpose is? Give her and her apostles of avarice all your money.

What would you call this piffle? Speaking in dungs?

Life coach?! How did it happen that in a society that once prized rugged individualism that we have come to this - sad sacks paying ridiculous sums of money to have the equivalent of some glorified carny barker of the Good Book to tell them to chew their food 20 times before swallowing and to work hard?

What A Great Country!

Still, all the flim-flammery aside, is this a great country or what when your entire seminary training consists of shopping at "Larry's House of Miters," and all you have to do is put on a cassock and self-anoint yourself a "bishop" before lambs eager to be sheared of their checkbooks flock to your feet to be saved from thinking for themselves.

These poor souls never had a prayer.

As most of their Christianity's answer to Three Card Monte marks know, White and her apostolic fellow travelers of Tiffany's are adherents to something called "prosperity theology," or put another way, God's grifters.

There will be a prophecy fulfilled this weekend. Wealth will be bestowed on the true believers of the Church of Hallelujah and Pass The Visa Card.

It is probably true that the meek will inherit the earth - albeit with a subprime mortgage.

In the meantime, Paula White, the Joan of Armani, will somehow find the strength to carry on, perhaps getting a lift out of town in the Bentley she bought for fellow used scruple salesman "Bishop" T.D. Jakes.

Think of it simply as a gilt-edged cross Paula White - God's life coach - has to bear.

Keyword: Book of Ruth to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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