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Shared Anguish Inspires Outreach

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By MIKE WELLS

The Tampa Tribune

Published: May 3, 2008

Reading the headlines and watching TV news about the violent rape of an 18-year-old woman last week in Valrico ripped open decades-old pain for one area woman who said she suffered a similar attack.

It compelled her to reach out to the teen - whom she's never met - by leaving gifts and a handwritten message of encouragement at the site of the attack outside the Bloomingdale Regional Public Library.

The woman, Carol, spoke with the Tribune on the condition that her last name would not be revealed. The man who kidnapped and raped her 29 years ago was never arrested for the crime and the case remains unsolved, she said.

The rape and beating of an East Bay High School student on April 24 outside the library reminded Carol of the terror she suffered 29 years ago at the age of 14, she said.

Thursday morning, her husband drove her from their home in Pinellas County to the Bloomingdale library. On the sidewalk next to the book-drop boxes, Carol left stuffed toy animals, miniature balloons, candles and flowers. She also left a prayer booklet, a poster board with an encouraging message and a journal in which she wrote a two-page letter and signed it.

"It was hard for me to go there," Carol said. "And I was emotional when I left them. I really felt bad for her, completely separate from me and my attack."

She penned the message on the poster board on the spot, she said.

"I wrote it right there, spontaneously," she said. "I wanted her to know that even though I don't know her, I still care."

It's common for friends and family to place similar memorials at the sites of automobile crashes, but people don't tend to do the same for victims of sex crimes, she said.

"I think it should be done more," Carol said. "There should be even more compassion and grief from her friends. But they're often afraid and they don't know what to say to that person."

Others have added items to the collection Carol left. She said library administrators have assured her they will not remove the items without contacting her. The journal and prayer booklet were moved to the main desk to protect them from inclement weather.

Friends or relatives of the young woman may inquire with library staff to receive permission to transfer the items to the victim or her family, Carol said.

Memories and emotions of survivors are easily triggered by what they see in the media, said Tamara Beard, a rape crisis counselor and critical programs director for the Family Services Center in Clearwater.

"Seeing things in the news can bring it all back again," Beard said. "If you are triggered by an article or a TV show like 'CSI,' call the center and come in for counseling."

It's important to recognize triggering and to practice healthy coping skills - such as journaling, visualizing a safe place and expressing anger in safe, contained ways, she said.

The center teaches an anger management technique called a "tantrum mat" exercise, Beard said. Survivors write their feelings on the mat and then hit it, jump on it or throw it. Whatever it takes to get the emotions out, she said.

In offering support to a survivor, don't tell them what they "should do" to handle the pain, Beard said.

"First off, believe her," she said. "Then tell her it's not her fault. Take your cue on what to do by basing it on what the survivor tells you. Listen to what the survivor is asking for."

Reporter Mike Wells can be reached at (813) 259-7839 or mwells@tampatrib.com.

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