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Caregiver Seeks Reasons For Husband's Trust Issues

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By LYN ROCHE Tribune correspondent

The Tampa Tribune

Published: May 23, 2008

What To Do When Trust Turns To Suspicion

Dear Lyn: My husband has been memory-impaired for some time. His doctor called it Alzheimer's. Lately, my husband is suspicious of everyone and everything. He's always been very trusting. Now he accuses me of taking things and doing things I haven't done. He locks all the doors and no longer likes our neighbors. Will this continue? It's really hard for me. The doctor put him on a new medication a few weeks before this began. - Isolated in my own home

Dear Isolated: I doubt if anyone can say with certainty whether this new behavior will continue. One thing we know as caregivers is that change is a constant part of our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

A call to your husband's doctor is in order because the suspicions began a few weeks after a change in medication. Your husband could be having delusions as a part of the dementia, or as a result of the medication or a combination of medications.

A delusion involves believing something to be true that is not. A person with dementia actually may believe a spouse is unfaithful when she is not. A person with dementia also can believe someone stole or may steal his possessions. This often results in a need to "protect" everything.

My father hid junk mail in the trunk of the car long after he quit driving. The junk mail was very personal and important to him. He had control over it. He owned the trunk of the car and its contents. He was no longer interested in driving the car; he just wanted to use the trunk, and in those days the key to the trunk was not the ignition key. At night when he was sleeping, we'd check the trunk to make sure he hadn't added any important mail to his collection.

It's not unusual, however, for someone with dementia to become suspicious of others because he or she no longer recognizes them. There's also the possibility your husband is using suspicions to protect his self-esteem. In other words, he is in effect saying that any trouble he's experiencing is coming from something or someone beyond his control, not from him. For instance, if he loses something, it's easier for him to accuse you rather than admit he lost it.

Whatever the cause of his recent behavior, avoid arguing. If he says something is missing, just agree to help him look for it. Don't be on the defensive. Try to pay attention to his feelings and insecurities, not his behavior or his words. He most likely knows his condition is declining, and he needs to feel understood, loved and secure.

Please pay attention to your own needs as well. Feeling isolated in your own home is not a good thing. Arrange for some time away from the house for yourself. If you can, get someone to stay with him while you do something you enjoy. Go to lunch with a friend. Go shopping. Go to a movie. Go to the beach. And find a local Alzheimer's caregiver support group. Do it soon.

Also consider enrolling your husband in an adult day care program a day or two a week. They'll provide plenty of activities to keep him busy. He may even surprise you and make new friends he trusts. With some new outside interests and direction, his behavior at home could improve. Isolation can be harmful for both of you.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, POB 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Go to www.thecaregiverscaregiver.com

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