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McCain's Guest List: Read 'Em And Veep

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Daniel Ruth

The Tampa Tribune

Published: May 24, 2008

Do you think there will be more pandering, teacher's pet sucking-up going on this weekend at the McCain Ponderosa than in the Miss America interview segment, when the contestants profess to wanting to save the world, harp seals and lost puppies?

Perhaps the only thing more stultifying than being stuck out in the middle of where Moses lost his sandals for 72 hours with John McCain would be finding oneself dragooned to Camp David with George Bush and discovering there wasn't a bottle of Dewar's anywhere in sight.

But that hasn't stopped Gov. Charlie Crist, a man so congenitally cheerful he makes Santa Claus look like the Grim Reaper, from jetting off to Arizona for the Memorial Day weekend to have the cut of his jib sized up as a possible vice presidential running mate for McCain.

Think of this as the hustings' answer to "The Dating Game," for Crist will be sharing the de facto veep vetting process of "Spin The Electoral College" with former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and newly minted Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.

What fun!

Right, They'll All Sing 'Kumbaya'

While the event is being hyped as merely a quiet social gathering of friends, you don't need a political science degree to figure out there will be more subtle plotting and bloodletting than in the final scenes of "The Departed" to woo the Arizona senator's favors.

Uh-uh, this is just a "social" gathering of pals, much the same way the families of the Medellin Cartel liked to get together to play Yahtzee.

And such choices for McCain to ponder, too!

First there's the stuffy Romney, who got along with the prickly McCain during the primaries about as well as Alec Baldwin does with Kim Basinger - not to mention, cocktail hour with the Mormon Romney ought to be a lot of laughs.

Then there is Jindal, who has been governor of Louisiana for ... oh, about 20 minutes. No question, this would be an inspired choice for the No. 2 spot, especially if McCain was hell-bent on locking up the 12-year-old rug-rat vote.

Crist Has That Sheen

Which brings us to Crist, who is arriving at the Republican presidential nominee's spread with his latest hot girlfriend, New York socialite Carol Rome, whose recent divorce settlement gave her - Europe.

Now there's no question that if you are a young, handsome, well-off public figure, being seen squiring around all manner of fetching beauties is a perfectly acceptable thing - especially if you also happen to be Charlie Sheen.

But Crist has now entered the "heartbeat away from..." sweepstakes, and it can't possibly help his political prospects when the towels in the governor's mansion guest room are monogrammed "To Whom It May Concern" and "Next!"

It also probably doesn't help Crist that, on the Bible-thumper front, McCain sought out the endorsement of a crazy minister who makes Jeremiah Wright look like St. Francis of Assisi - John Hagee, who has preached that God sent Adolf Hitler to drive the Jews to Israel.

Or put another way, although McCain finally repudiated Hagee's jackbooted version of the Bible, the candidate is still reaching out to the most extreme so-called "family values" wing of his party, while Crist is showing up for a job interview with the concubine of Cartier.

To be sure, it's tough, when you've had a harder time than Secretariat saying "I do," to change the ways of decades of bachelorhood.

But Crist has to accept the fact that while it's been swell having comely women on his arm, if he yearns to have a chance to join McCain on his ticket, it's the ring on the finger that he needs to take care of.

Otherwise these past few days will be about as helpful to his ambition as a "Weekend At Bernie's."

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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