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Other People's Kids: Be Scared ... Be Very Scared

Tribune file photo

A good rule of thumb when caring for kids other than your own: Handle with care.

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By MICHAEL WINTER

The Tampa Tribune

Published: November 7, 2008

They're hyper. They wreck the furniture. They're prone to erratic behavior and separation anxiety. And the yapping, oh, the ceaseless yapping! It's enough to make anyone want to climb a tree and huddle on a branch to escape their ravenous desire for chaos. Still, they're not without their charms, at least during the brief lulls between peeing in inappropriate places and begging for treats.

Yes, interaction with the breed known collectively as Other People's Kids can be a challenge. It's not for the faint of heart, and even the most experienced can fall prey to their merciless hungers. I once saw a veteran researcher, a man with years of experience, commit the rookie mistake of opening a Snickers bar in the schoolyard. By the time they were through with him, all that was left was a belt buckle and a churned up patch of dirt.

If only he had remembered the rules of OPK engagement, this tragedy might have been prevented. Then again, when it comes to Other People's Kids, the only thing you can predict with absolute certainty is that sooner or later (probably sooner), you'll be asked:

A. How old are you?

B. How much do you weigh? ... and

C. What's that weird thing on your nose/cheek/neck?

OPK rule of engagement No. 1: Do not touch! Not only do these highly skittish creatures boast sharp little teeth, but they're notoriously unhygienic and usually covered with a sticky, noxious residue that's two parts melted sugar and one part mucus. This creates a natural defense as it glues various pieces of the environment to them, thus providing a highly effective means of camouflage. While actual physical contact is strictly forbidden, hover touching, under certain circumstances, is acceptable. This is accomplished by moving the hands about the child at a distance of a few inches with the intention of providing either:

Direction - "Let's say we play tag over here." (Hover-corralling tykes away from the industrial lathe.)

Comfort - "Didn't I tell you hermit crabs don't like being force-fed m&m's? (Hover-patting sobbing child holding her finger.)

OPK rule of engagement No. 2: Discipline at your own risk. This can be a bit tricky. It's kind of like playing footsies with a grizzly bear. If it goes wrong, you could get your leg torn off. If it goes right, you could get both legs torn off. Nobody likes having to reprimand somebody else's kid, especially if the offender's parents are within earshot of the inevitable declaration that "YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!"

Sometimes, however, the situation demands action. This is why I usually approach the matter like a game show host. Instead of making statements, I ask a series of questions designed to lead the guilty party gently but firmly back into the welcoming embrace of shame and guilt, where they belong. For example:

"What were you hoping to accomplish by jabbing that lawn dart into the side of the inflatable pool?"

"I wanted to see the bubbles."

"And you understand why you're now standing here in a wet bathing suit on top of a jumble of blue plastic?"

"My cat's head can fit in a jelly jar."

"Have you been stealing pills from the medicine cabinet again?"

"YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!"

OPK rule of engagement No. 3: Easy does it. Pack behavior is a well-documented occurrence when two or more OPKs gather in a centralized location. This usually leads to the establishment of territories; aggressive behavior toward squirrels, pigeons and various species of decorative plants; and the implementation of a group hierarchy as determined by a comparison of shareable lunchbox snacks. (Gummi Bears and Reese's Mini Cups are sure to establish the lucky few as alpha members, while celery sticks and granola bars will relegate their owners to the unfortunate rank of "tagalongs.")

The best way to deal with these roving hordes is to avoid antagonizing them. Don't make eye contact. This will be interpreted as an invitation for communication and result in repeated requests for a quarter. Don't show fear. The second they sense you are deathly afraid of spiders is the exact moment an arachnid the size of a baseball will be dumped into your lap with the happy declaration, "Look what I found!" And most important, utilize your height advantage. They may outnumber you, but when it comes to getting the kite out of the tree or the Game Boy off the top shelf, they are at your mercy.

I suggest dangling the desired item above them for a second or two, just to show them who's boss, then tossing it over their heads and running like mad in the opposite direction.

It's your only hope.

Keyword: Mother Load, to read our mommy (and daddy) blogs, join the discussion, upload your kids' photos and check out resources to make your life easier.

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