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Helping Children Understand Alzheimer's

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By LYN ROCHE

Tribune correspondent

Published: November 8, 2008

Dear Lyn: My grandmother lives with us. My 5-year-old daughter, Megan, is her only great-grandchild and they're very close. Granny has Alzheimer's and yesterday she was cross with Megan for the first time in Megan's life. I've done a little to explain Alzheimer's to Megan, but I don't know if I've done enough. She hasn't said anything about the apparent changes in Granny, but I keep wondering if Megan really understands and if her feelings were hurt yesterday. She hasn't said anything about it. What should I be doing to help Megan cope? - Kelly

Dear Kelly: Children don't always volunteer their feelings and they often internalize them. It's important that you acknowledge Megan's feelings and gently encourage her to express them to you. It's also extremely important that you assure Megan she hasn't done anything to provoke Granny's anger. Megan needs to know it's not her fault. Tell her the disease can make Granny crabby sometimes and it's not Granny's fault either. Explain that the disease can also cause changes in Granny's behavior and Granny may even forget her name. Granny still loves her very much - she just gets confused.

You've undoubtedly learned ways to redirect your grandmother when she is frustrated or upset. Share with Megan ways she can help Granny, too. Young children love to be helpers. However, don't put any responsibility for Granny's care on Megan. Encourage activities she and Granny can enjoy together - always with your supervision and your presence.

Make sure you and Megan continue to have quality time together as mother and daughter. Be aware Megan could feel left out or jealous of the attention Granny requires of you. During your times alone with Megan, occasionally ask how she feels about the changes in Granny and ask if she has any questions or concerns. Her responses will help reveal just what she needs to know in order to cope with situations, especially as Granny's condition progresses. Sometimes, as adults, we tend to go into too much detail about the disease right away. One simple thing most children want to know is if they can catch Alzheimer's. If you haven't already done so, let Megan know she cannot catch it and that it's OK to give Granny lots of hugs.

The Alzheimer's Association Website, www.alz.org, has a "Just For Kids and Teens" section. It begins by explaining, "When a friend or a family member has Alzheimer's you may feel upset, confused or scared. Alzheimer's can be puzzling because a person who has it often doesn't look sick." The site contains a fact sheet just for children, a list of 101 ways to spend time with a person who has Alzheimer's, and a brief review of books by age group.

Stories for preschool through third grade include "What's Happening To Grandpa?" by Maria Shriver, "Singing With Momma Lou" by Linda Jacobs Altman, "The Stranger I Call Grandma" by Swanee Ballman, "Grandma's Cobwebs" by Ann Frantti, "Remember Me?" by Sue Glass, "Allie Learns About Alzheimer's Disease" by Kim Gosselin and "Thank You For The Thistle" by Dorie Thurston.

More can be found in bookstores and libraries. You know Megan's level of understanding and can best ascertain which books are appropriate to read to her and with her.

I recently received "The Magic Tape Recorder." It's an excellent book written by Joyce Simard (Grandma Joyce) and it's available at www.amazon.com or www.grandmajoyce.com.

You're a caring mom and granddaughter. Don't forget to take good care of yourself, too.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, P.O. Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecaregiverscaregiver.com

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