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Time Spent With Mom Brings Memories And Some Advice

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By LYN ROCHE

The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 11, 2008

I believe anyone who cares for someone with severe memory impairment today or in the future can benefit greatly by reading this letter from a former caregiver:

Dear Lyn: I was just reading your Sept. 27 column in 4you. Oh, it brings back such memories. The letter from Nancy refers to her father calling her anything from Mom to his sister. My mother also went through this phase. Luckily, I recognized it right away, and I learned to introduce myself to my mother every day. She really liked me. So, we could talk about all kinds of things.

To me, mother died at the point of the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Nothing was ever the same about her - except her love of dancing. I learned to form a new relationship with her just about every day. She used to say to me, "You are so nice, what is your name, honey?"

Each day I'd come up with a different name. I would also tell her that I knew her brothers and sisters. She was astonished as to how that could be. I'd tell her I was from her hometown of Cleveland. That conversation was good for just about the rest of the day.

As time went on, I learned how to come up with new topics from her past, and we would have a great time together. You are so right about them not recognizing themselves as someone's parent. From about the second or third year of the disease, I called my mother only by her first name. I took care of her in my home for eight years, until her passing in 2000.

So many times, caregivers don't want to accept the fact that their loved ones can't remember them. I feel they have not bothered to educate themselves enough about the disease. I continued to learn all I could. My mother was a world traveler and golfer. She had no health concerns and took no medications. She was diagnosed at age 78. It's always a shock, but we must learn how to work with the disease and make our loved ones most comfortable.

Another great idea I learned was to have a memory box. Since my mother also sewed, I filled it with thread and various things to remind her of the past. I also had photos of her and my father when they were newlyweds. Nothing current would do, but she could always remember persons in the pictures - provided they were from the 1930s or 1940s.

Another thing that most Alzheimer's patients like to do is hide money. So, I went out and looked for the most real looking fake money I could find. Daily I would make sure to give her an envelope with some in it. I'd tell her it just came in the mail. I knew within hours the "money" would be hidden somewhere in her room.

Even though times would never be the same as they were prior to the diagnosis, I always considered each day with my mother as a gift. Had it not been for Alzheimer's, we would never have spent those eight years together. Even at the end, my brothers, sisters and I sat by her bedside in my home and listened to Irish music, had a glass of wine and always put fresh flowers in her room.

Thanks for allowing me to recall some fond memories. - M. M.

Dear M. M.: Thank you for sharing.

Caregiving expert and author Lyn Roche helped care for her father, mother-in-law and grandmother. Write Lyn Roche at Journey Publications, Post Office Box 433, Sebring, FL 33871 or lyn@thecaregiverscaregiver.com. Visit her Web site at www.thecare giverscaregiver.com

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