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Yes, We Could Use Some More Cowbell!

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By Daniel Ruth

druth@tampatrib.com

Published: October 21, 2008

Updated: 10/21/2008 12:44 am

Did I mention that the Philadelphia Phillies and their rather distasteful fans hate your guts? They want to eat your puppies and drink your blood. They are also Satan worshippers. As well, they are known terrorists, communist sympathizers and pals with Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Fidel Castro.

Oh, and those lousy, stinking Philly cheese steaks these folks are so proud of? Roadkill is more appetizing.

There. I have now fulfilled my journalistic responsibility to maliciously demonize all things Philadelphia on the eve of the start of the World Series between our beloved, noble, courageous, inspirational Tampa Bay Rays, men of character and graciousness and intellect and ... well, that one.

It is something of a tradition in this racket for my scribbling brethren to exchange terse, belittling invective about competing cities and teams at moments such as these.

Punditry Game

This shtick generally works best when the opposing hamlets are hellholes, such as Baghdad, the Gaza Strip, Oakland or Gary, Ind., or well, come to think of it - just about any place in Texas.

One of my oldest friends in the punditry game is Philadelphia Daily News columnist Stu Bykofsky. The two of us have been abusing adjectives, not to mention the occasional bar tab, for many years.

Stu was of a mind to have some of this sort of pithy banter between us as those towering young men of distinction of the Tampa Bay Rays prepare to take on the axis of evil.

For example, Stu was annoyed with the ubiquitous cowbells, which have now become a staple for Rays fans.

The problem here, though, is that I agree with him. On the other hand, this is baseball after all, where people are supposed to be having fun. What would Stu suggest the Rays fans do to demonstrate their excitement? Recite the rosary?

Another difficulty in fomenting some kind of rivalry, at least with respect to baseball, between Tampa Bay and Philadelphia is that the two locales have precious little history.

Over the years, the Rays and Beelzebub's snipes have played each other only 15 times with, of course, Tampa Bay prevailing in 10 of those contests, the last of which took place in 2006. Perhaps Uday's and Qusay's friends couldn't bear the humiliation any longer.

Aside from the fact that Philadelphia sports fans appear to have all of the sense of humor and whimsical joie de vivre of Pol Pot when it comes to their teams, the City of Brotherly Love itself is a perfectly nice place to live and visit - aside from the gunfire.

Contrived Feud

And that sort of brings us to the ultimate complication in trying to gin up some kind of "Oh yeah! And so's your old man!" contrived feud between the Rays and ... whatever.

Although the city certainly has its charms, unless you are from the area, in all probability most Rays fans simply could give a rat's patootie about Philadelphia. Geez, given the quality of our public schools, most of our children don't even know where it is.

And once those decent, loyal, brave Beasts of the Bayfront reduce the Philadelphia Fillies to melted Cheez Whiz, perhaps even my old pal Stu Bykofsky will understand the enabling power of more cowbell.

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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