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Servers Have Own Ways Of Getting Even

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In his book and blog, Steve Dublanica shares tales of cranky servers, bad tippers and generally boorish customers.

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By JEFF HOUCK

The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 2, 2008

Steve Dublanica has some sad news for whichever corporate officer decided to pull the plug this summer on the Bennigan's restaurant chain, putting thousands out of jobs.

"If you are the CEO of Bennigan's, you will have a lifetime of sputum in your food."

To put it more plainly: Don't ever order the oysters. Don't ever order the soup. Don't order anything that isn't crispy because you'll never know. In fact, stay home. Swanson makes some lovely frozen dinners. Rely on those instead.

Otherwise? "That guy or gal will be swimming in it," he says.

Dublanica knows this. As someone who worked as a waiter (ahem, server) in restaurants for nine years, he knows the staff has the power to exact revenge at any time.

On a blog called Waiter Rant (waiterrant.net), he anonymously shared tales of cranky servers, bad tippers and generally boorish customers for the more than four years he worked at a place on the East Coast he will identify only as "The Bistro." This summer, Dublanica came out of the professional closet to reveal himself as the author of the new book "Waiter Rant: Confessions of a Cynical Waiter" (Ecco, $24.95).

Anthony Bourdain, who rose to fame telling unappetizing secrets of restaurant kitchens in his book "Kitchen Confidential," describes the book as a painfully funny, excruciatingly true-life account of the waiter's life.

"You will never look at your waiter the same way again - and will never tip less than 20 percent," he says.

The blog began by chronicling the frustration and anger Dublanica experienced on the job and later morphed into more of a state-of-the-union address for the front-of-the-house staff. And the state was not good.

"I was personally getting aggravated with my own life situation," he says. "I had to get this out of my system. I found that if I was able to express it, I was able to also get some sleep at night because, you know, those waiter dreams were keeping me up. You know, those dreams where you wake up and think, 'Oh, my God, I forgot to bring the linguini with white clams.'"

Bottom line: Table servers have a good memory. Stiff them on a tip? They remember. Run out on a tab? They remember. Show off the culinary knowledge you learned watching Food Network? They never forget.

Their remedies are many. Beyond the aforementioned spittle, there's the occasional "mistake" of adding a few pennies onto a bill. Oh, and "crop dusting" a table of obnoxious customers with some personal flatulence. That always sends a message. But more on that later.

During his ongoing book tour, Dublanica chatted about the life of a waiter and what drove him to write the book.

Q. What's your sense about how common your experiences are?

A. I think they're very common. I was at a cafe the other day and a waiter said, "I've been reading your book. I can relate to that." I think it's pretty universal experience among wait staff. It doesn't matter if you work in a diner or a high-end restaurant. People still pull the same shenanigans, no matter what.

Q. If "Fast Food Nation" and "Fight Club" didn't turn you off from eating anything out, maybe your book might actually kill that instinct to leave the house and eat.

A. It can ... it is a downer. I go out to eat. I mean, I know everything that's going on when I go out to eat. I know that if the food is late that the waiter might have screwed up the order or the chef is out of crystal meth and is just a mess. Or the chef's in a bad mood or fighting with his wife on the phone. I just kind of have that sense.

At first glance, it can be frightening, but most waiters don't spit in people's food.

Q. You're willing to commit to that statement?

A. I am willing to commit to it. I've known waiters who have done that, but it's like a cop drawing his gun during his career. If you ask most police officers, they'll tell you they never pulled it or they never used it. I think waiters are the same way with spit. They leave it in the holster most of the time.

Then you have the Dirty Harrys. The psycho waiter who just blows everybody away with his spit in everybody's food.

I never did it. Ever. I understand the compulsion because I felt like doing it. But I like the idea. You remember MAD, right? Mutually assured destruction? It's the same deal. If you're not mean to us, we won't be mean to you.

It's the bad customers who stick in your head. We remember and they come back, and they're surprised that we remember. I was famous for it. I'd put the bad tippers by the men's room. I'd lose their reservations or say their credit card was declined. I was merciless to some of these people.

Q. You have no idea the leverage you have until you're pushed to a point.

A. You can always tell the character of a person when you tell them no. I get aggravated, too, but I don't blow my stack. When you see people literally throwing temper tantrums and literally stomping their feet because they can't get table No. 21 and they're at table No. 22 ... laughs I'm not making this stuff up.

Q. Was there anything you found out you liked about human nature as a result of the job? And, conversely, what did you find out that you couldn't stand the most?

A. From what I observed, and what I wrote about in the book, is the people who fed the homeless guy outside by ordering food from their table. I found a majority of people were like that. Eighty percent or so. They're basically good and they're nice people who just want something to eat.

But I also found there's that small percentage of crazy people who make it all miserable. Restaurants are a microcosm of the world. I never looked at it that high-minded when I was writing the blog. There's nothing high-minded about farting when you walk past someone's table.

Q. I wanted to ask you about that. You called it "crop dusting." We called it something different at the restaurants and bars where I worked, but it is a universal tool of justice.

A. I heard that airline stewardesses do that a lot. I heard that's like their big thing. They're just pushing the cart ... what are you gonna do? They can handcuff you now! You say one thing, and you've got a gun in your face and you're on your way to Guantanamo.

Q. You sound envious.

A. I am, secretly.

I didn't think up "crop dusting." I just wrote on the blog that I farted next to a table. A reader out West commented, "We call it 'crop dusting' out here." So I just appropriated it.

It works because what are they gonna do? They look at each other and go, "Did you do it?"

Q. People are eating out more than ever, but they're also watching more food TV now, so they think they're Tom Colicchio on "Top Chef."

A. I've always said that they're like the guy with the karate lesson. He takes one lesson and then goes around saying he's going to kick everybody's butt. Foodies are like that.

I think there are a lot of things in people's lives that they can't control, but when they go to a restaurant, they can be a little more aggressive. They project onto the server and look at the server as a tip slave they can be mouthy to who can't fight back. Very rarely do you see a waiter get into it with a customer. They don't want to lose their job.

Q. Do you have a dream table of customers?

A. I'd love to wait on Anthony Bourdain. He'd be a lot of fun. I would like to wait on Gordon Ramsay and see him as a customer. Some of these guys are pussycats in real life, if you get them away from the camera. I'd love to wait on Mario Batali.

And then the dead philosophers. Buddha, Socrates, Jesus, Nietzsche.

Q. I hear Nietzsche was a fiend for fajitas.

A. You heard that, too?

Reporter Jeff Houck can be reached at (813) 259-7324 or jhouck@tampatrib.com.

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