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Speed Trap Gives Way To Pants Trap

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Daniel Ruth

The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 6, 2008

At some point Tuesday, Kenneth Smith found himself sitting in the Riviera Beach hoosegow surrounded, perhaps, by drug dealers, pimps, thieves, violent brigands and all manner of other assorted dark souls of society.

It was probably only a matter of time before one of these hail-fellow-well-whipped types adorned with tattoos depicting Satan on his forehead, who had just been booked on charges of attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and jaywalking, sauntered over to Smith with a question.

No good can ever come from these things.

"So, Bub, whattaya in for?" Smith might have been asked.

Now, it might have crossed Smith's mind to fib a bit to build up his criminal bona fides and reply that he was in the slammer facing charges of triple homicide, terrorism, arson and the Fox Network prime-time lineup.

But no, the poor hapless Smith had to admit that yes indeed he was an admitted skivvy scofflaw. Cue "The Untouchables" theme.

Dining And Dancing

Smith, 29, had been tracked down by Riviera Beach police earlier in the day and arrested for violating the Palm Beach County ordinance on wearing baggy pants, which of course leads to the exposure of one's keister for the greater public's dining and dancing pleasure.

In addition to the charge of feloniously flouting his tochis, Smith is facing a charge of disorderly conduct, which only makes sense. After all, if you insist on walking around town with your derriere hanging over your pants like a carp basking in the sun, some might find that sort of conduct not only disorderly, but a bit on the icky-poo-poo side of fashion.

Cracking Down

It appears Smith holds the dubious distinction of being among the first Fruit of the Loom offenders to run afoul of Riviera Beach's new baggy pants law.

However, it took six months for the Bugle Boy gendarmes to crack down (sorry, couldn't resist) because the new law had not been assigned an ordinance number.

Should the long arm of the law prevail in its prosecution of Smith, the alleged BVD desperado could face up to a $150 fine.

And after once being found guilty of walking around Riviera Beach in a full rump roast, if Smith ever decided to once more wear his pants as a tribute to plumbers everywhere, he could face up to 60 days in the big house.

Try explaining that one to your cellmate. "Wait a minute! You're doing two months in jail because you chose to prance around in public with your fat bum flowing like lava over your pants - again?!?!"

There are many style statements that remain inexplicable. Simply watch "What Not To Wear" sometime for a fashion show the equal to "Alien" meets "Grapes of Wrath."

But few things boggle the mind more as to why young men have convinced themselves that moving around in public holding up their pants with one hand, while exposing their backside, is somehow a really snazzy, really sharp, really classy "Gentlemen's Quarterly" moment.

Maybe Kenneth Smith should be sentenced to buy a subscription. Or a belt.

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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