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Fools And Their Money Are Soon

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By Daniel Ruth

The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 9, 2008

Well, this much is pretty certain: Not only can't money buy you class, it won't help much in paying for low-rent cheesiness, either.

Which brings us to Linda and Terry Bollea, Pinellas County's answer to Dogpatch-On-The-Gulf.

The Bolleas are in the midst of a nasty divorce proceeding, an event that led last week to the release of financial information casting a rarified glimpse into the heady lifestyles of the ditz and the dolt.

According to court filings, Terry Bollea, who is more famously known as phony wrestler Hulk Hogan, is worth somewhere between $26.7 million and $32 million, not a bad bottom line for a lifetime spent pretending to be a hero to millions of gullible cash-paying rubes in the audience.

An affidavit filed by Linda Bollea, detailing how she spends $40,000 a month in temporary support from her estranged husband, noted her expenses include: $7,258 for clothing, $1,318 in grooming, $6,100 on vacations, $1,690 on jewelry and $1.25 on refinement lessons. OK, I made the last one up.

Mr. Blackwell

By now you would be forgiven for that caffeine-laden spit-take across the kitchen as you tried to digest how a woman could blow $7,258 a month, or nearly $90,000 a year, on clothes and still look like the "Grapes of Wrath's" Joad Family meets Mr. Blackwell.

Good grief, who is Linda Bollea's fashion consultant? Phyllis Diller? Mr. T? Sasquatch?

But what has to have most of you scratching your heads must be Linda Bollea's $6,100-a-month, or $73,000-a-year vacation tab.

Vacation? Vacation from what toil and trouble job?

Not to put too fine a spin on this, but doesn't one have to have some form of employment for one to therefore put in for vacation time to get away from the office?

Mrs. Bollea noted she has a "part-time" job with cable network VH1, which essentially required her to be filmed as she went about the business of posing as a mother to her two very bizarre children and wife to the aforementioned big lug.

I suppose you could argue that required acting skills of Mother Bollea rivaling Meryl Streep in "Sophie's Choice."

Stress And Strain

Geez, about the only other people I'm aware of who need to take vacations to get away from being themselves are members of the British royal family, who apparently simply must jet off to Monaco or the Scottish Highlands to escape the stress and strain of cutting ribbons at supermarket openings.

As for the $1,318 a month for grooming on a woman who generally shows up in public looking like an Afghan hound, uh, perhaps Mrs. Bollea might want to pursue a refund from the Aileen Wuornos School of Beauty.

By comparison, Hogan listed an outlay of $102 a month on clothing.

But when you consider that the entire wardrobe would barely fill a sock drawer and consisted pretty much of tacky do-rags and declasse muscle shirts, you might conclude Hogan was overspending by about $100 a month on his ensemble.

No question that as trendsetters from hell, these two would make the perfect couple to appear on the cover of - wait for it - "Vanity Scare."

Keyword: Book of Ruth, to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.

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