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The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 11, 2008

Updated:

If I remember correctly - and that's a big "if" - the last time I sat down and watched MTV's Video Music Awards was the year Andrew "Dice" Clay recited one of his dirty nursery rhymes and got banned for life.

Not that I've been boycotting in solidarity with Clay, but the irony of MTV execs getting their designer briefs in a knot over Clay's potty mouth could only be lost on, well, MTV execs.

I don't watch because I rarely remember when it's going to be on and frankly, I don't find anything interesting about it. But just because I didn't watch it doesn't mean I can't write about it.

So based on things I overheard, glanced at online or just plain made up, here's my recap of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards:

Britney Returns Triumphant: After sleepwalking through her performance last year, Brit picked up three trophies this year and, by all reports, seemed healthy, happy and back to her old self, ready once again to inspire young girls to dance like strippers and dress like whores.

Russell Brand Ridicules The Jonas Brothers: The British comic drew laughs and jeers for mocking the brothers' chastity rings. Dude, the Jonas Brothers' fan base is girls ages 8 to 14. Is picking on children cutting edge now? For his next trick, Brand will appear on Nick Jr. questioning Dora the Explorer's virtue and speculating on what the Wonder Pets get up to when the lights are out.

And, uh, that's about it. Somebody else performed, some other people won awards, and the parties afterward surely served only the finest hookers and blow.

Since so little of MTV's programming consists of music videos anymore, it's kind of strange they still have the VMAs. Did MTV actually play every video nominated for an award sometime in the last year? Did anyone see them? Is "Remote Control" still on?

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