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Tawdry Tale Of Oil Drillers And MMS Chicks

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 17, 2008

People always say the Bush administration is in bed with the oil companies, but it turns out to be literally true.

According to the Interior Department, some government officials in charge of collecting oil and gas royalties smoked pot, snorted cocaine and had sex with employees of big energy firms.

Meanwhile, the rest of us were getting screwed at the gas pump.

Three reports delivered last week to Congress portray "a culture of ethical failure" in which employees of the federal Minerals Management Service often accepted gifts from oil and gas interests, steered lucrative contracts to cronies and partied hard with those with whom they did business on behalf of the U.S. taxpayer.

The MMS collects about $10 billion annually in royalties from energy companies that drill offshore and on federally owned lands. Beside the IRS, it's one of the biggest sources of government revenue.

During the Bush years, the agency has faced harsh criticism for failing to vigorously pursue millions of dollars in outstanding or potential royalties. One controversial program, called royalty-in-kind, allows energy companies to pay the government in gas and oil, instead of dollars.

According to the inspector general's report, the royalty-in-kind office of the MMS was rife with "substance abuse and promiscuity."

Certain fun-loving employees were known as the "MMS Chicks" by energy firm employees, who would generously invite the women to lively social events.

The inspector general found an e-mail from some dork at Shell Pipeline to a woman in the federal royalty office, asking her to join him at a tailgate party before a Houston Texans football game: "Have you and the girls meet at my place at 6 a.m. for bubble baths and final prep. Just kidding."

Apparently the plan is to tailgate our way to energy independence.

Such colorful revelations shed some light on the mysterious energy task force assembled by Vice President Dick Cheney at the president's direction, shortly after he took office.

Cheney has stubbornly refused to tell American taxpayers what was decided or who participated in these important meetings, though it's known that many major players were involved, including those geniuses at Enron.

No wonder the vice president is so secretive about what took place. Obviously these weren't serious policy meetings; they were toga parties, with Cheney dressed up as Bluto from "Animal House."

In their wildest dreams the boys from big oil couldn't have imagined how much fun the next eight years would be - sex, drugs and "treasure hunts."

Party on, dudes.

Drill your brains out.

Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald.

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