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Seeking A President Who Gives Goosebumps? So's Obama

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: September 23, 2008

Now that he's finally fired up on the soup-line economy, Barack Obama knows he can't fade out again. He was eager to talk privately to a Democratic ex-president who could offer more fatherly wisdom - not to mention a surreptitious smoke - and less fraternal rivalry. I called the "West Wing" creator Aaron Sorkin (yes, truly) to get a read-out of the meeting. This is his account:

BARACK OBAMA Knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and OBAMA is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.

BARTLET: Senator.

OBAMA: Mr. President.

BARTLET: You seem startled.

OBAMA: I didn't expect you to answer the door yourself.

BARTLET: I didn't expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancome rep who thinks "The Flintstones" was based on a true story, so let's call it even.

OBAMA: Yes, sir.

BARTLET: That was a hell of a convention.

OBAMA: Thank you, I was proud of it.

BARTLET: I meant the Republicans. The Us versus Them-a-thon. As a Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don't like small towns, God, people with jobs or America.

OBAMA: I'm interested in your advice.

BARTLET: I can't give it to you.

OBAMA: Why not?

BARTLET: I'm supporting McCain.

OBAMA: Why?

BARTLET: He's promised to eradicate evil and that was always on my "to do" list. And he's surrounded himself, I think, with the best possible team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why, Sarah Palin just said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had "gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers." Can you spot the error in that statement?

OBAMA: Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren't funded by taxpayers.

BARTLET: Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of the time Bush said that Social Security wasn't a government program. He was only off by a little - Social Security is the largest government program.

OBAMA: I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I really could use your advice.

BARTLET: Well, it seems to me your problem is a lot like the problem I had twice.

OBAMA: Which was?

BARTLET: A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.

OBAMA: And?

BARTLET: I was.

OBAMA: I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET: I won't lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

BARTLET: I didn't have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched "The West Wing."

OBAMA: That would make it easier.

BARTLET: You'd do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old "ER" time slot with "30 Rock" as your lead-in, you'd get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share - you'd be selling $450,000 minutes.

OBAMA: What the hell does that mean?

BARTLET: TV talk. I thought you'd be interested.

OBAMA: I'm not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I'm - wait for it - the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?

BARTLET: Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn't extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

OBAMA: You're not cheering me up.

BARTLET: Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas show?

OBAMA: Sir -

BARTLET: Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there any chance you could get Michelle pregnant before the fall sweeps?

OBAMA: What would you do?

BARTLET: GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that's what they are. Sarah Palin didn't say "thanks but no thanks" to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said "Thanks." You were raised by a single mother on food stamps - where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist?

And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I'd ask them what their problem is with excellence.

While you're at it, I want the word "patriot" back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn't know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can't do both at the same time and call it patriotic.

They have to lie - the truth isn't their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they've earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It's not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

OBAMA: So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?

BARTLET: No. You're elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago you had the best week of your campaign, followed - granted , inexplicably - by the worst week of your campaign. You're a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren't the same thing and you're in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that's what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.

Maureen Dowd is a columnist for The New York Times.

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