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Using grief to aid others

Tribune photo by JIM REED

Cindy French, left, and Angela Niederer's shared bond of grief spurs their efforts to help others.

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By MICHELLE BEARDEN

mbearden@tampatrib.com

Published: August 22, 2009

TAMPA - It's an emotion that can render us completely helpless, void of feeling and hopeless.

But it's hard to avoid. If you live long enough, you likely will experience grief.

How do you prepare for it? Whether a loss is sudden or you've had time to gird for it, the loss of a loved one can send you into a tailspin from which recovery is long and hard.

Grief brought Cindy French and Angela Niederer together.

French, 58, buried her parents within 5 1/2 weeks of each other. The Oldsmar woman was still coping with the loss of her mother when her father died. Ernest and Helen, married 58 years and the foundation of her life, were gone.

The day Niederer, 37, moved to Tampa, before her suitcases and boxes were unpacked, she got a call that a drunken driver had killed her sister Ruth and Ruth's boyfriend. Numb, Niederer boarded a plane for Arkansas for a surreal week of tears and saying goodbye.

What happened to these two women happens every day. One day our loved ones are here, and the next they're gone.

"Nobody is really ever prepared for this," French says. "I knew they were with the Lord and in a much better place. But now there was this big missing part in my life."

She tried to tuck away the pain. With a full-time job as a recruiter, a husband, five siblings, two grown children and three grandchildren, she had a full and busy life. Still, she felt the absence of her parents. And it hurt.

Then a woman in her Bible study group gave her some good advice. "Grieving is a process," she said. "If you don't go through the process, it will come back to bite you later."

Cindy went online and found GriefShare. It's a Bible-based support network for people dealing with profound loss. Groups form in churches and follow a 13-week program developed at GriefShare's Wake Forest, N.C., headquarters to help people through the darkness.

Emergency room for emotional trauma

Among the components: video seminars with experts in grief and recovery, group discussions with a focus, and workbook-based personal study and reflection. Since each weekly session is self-contained, people don't have to attend in sequence. They can start at any time and catch up by watching the earlier videos.

A testimonial on www.griefshare.org says GriefShare meetings are like "having warm arms wrapped around you when you're shivering." French describes it as an "emergency room" for those with emotional trauma.

The Web site will connect users to the group nearest them. French found one at Lake Magdalene United Methodist Church in North Tampa. The meetings helped her through the process of saying goodbye and learning to live her life without the parents who shaped it.

"We used up a lot of Kleenex," she says. "This is one place where the tears flow, and that's OK."

She heard other's stories and didn't feel so alone. She found Scriptures that made her stronger and tips on how to handle those sudden stabs of pain that seem to come out of nowhere.

French wanted to start a GriefShare group in her church, South Tampa Fellowship, but she couldn't serve as its full-time leader, given her hectic schedule and health issues.

"I prayed on it and knew it would happen if it was meant to be," she said.

Enter Niederer, a fellow church member.

A newcomer to the area, Niederer was still struggling with the loss of her beloved 32-year-old sister, a mother of three, so violently and so suddenly. While her husband, a navigator, adjusted to his new staff assignment at MacDill Air Force Base, Niederer was just surviving each day. Taking a shower and leaving the house to run an errand required a huge amount of stamina and self-discipline.

"I kept asking over and over, 'Why?' 'Why her?' and 'Why now?'" she recalls. "But if I had those answers, what would I do? It would not bring her back. It would not change the fact that her life here on Earth is now over."

Niederer knew about GriefShare. When she and her husband lived in New Jersey, their church offered the program. So like French, she went online and found a support group about 40 minutes from her South Tampa home.

Turning the corner

Attending the meetings helped her turn the corner. She learned that grief isn't something you get over, but you can learn to live with it.

When the meeting times changed after the holidays, she wasn't able to continue attending. A few months later, a woman at church familiar with Niederer's story put her in touch with French. The two met and realized they shared a bond. With the blessing of their pastor, they decided to serve as co-leaders of South Tampa's first GriefShare support group and went through the facilitator training. The first session begins next week.

French and Niederer say they are stronger now. That doesn't mean they don't get sidetracked from time to time. But with the support of others, the professional materials available to them and the spiritual guidance they believe is vital, they are learning to live with loss.

"Being a believer in Christ helps, but it's still hard to go through," Niederer says. "You can't do this on your own. Lean on others. Lean on him."

NEW GRIEFSHARE SUPPORT GROUP

WHERE: South Tampa Fellowship, 5101 S. Bayshore Blvd., Tampa

WHEN: Thirteen-week session starts 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday. Low-cost dinner available at the church beginning at 5:30 p.m.

COST: $12 for the workbook; scholarships available

INFORMATION: (813) 390-8791

Reporter Michelle Bearden can be reached at (813) 259-7613.

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