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Program provides tools for dealing with loss during holidays

Staff photo by PAUL LAMISON

Laurie Lake (right), whose 19-year-old daughter Jenna died suddenly four years ago, and Pat Barr decorate a Christmas tree as part of the healing process.

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By MICHELLE BEARDEN | The Tampa Tribune

Published: December 3, 2009

Updated: 12/04/2009 08:26 am

ODESSA - She never thought it would be easy. But Laurie Lake had no idea how hard it would be, either.

In late fall 2005, her 75-year-old dad died suddenly of a heart attack. Then on Oct. 21, just three weeks later, her 19-year-old daughter, Jenna – vibrant, free spirited, loving Jenna – died of accidental carbon monoxide poisoning.

At the same time Lake was dealing with unbearable grief, the holidays were coming into full swing. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas – a trio of joyful memories from happier times – added insult to her injuries. How could she get through this? How could she even put one foot in front of another?

But she had to. She had a husband and six surviving children. She prayed to God for help and strength, and it came by way of extended family, friends, neighbors and fellow church members at Grace Family Church in Lutz. In the days after Jenna's death and the funeral, Lake went through a gamut of emotions, from raw, searing pain to absolute numbness.

A few weeks after Jenna's death, Lake's friend and neighbor Pat Barr came by. Barr had been there for her years earlier, when Lake delivered a stillborn son. God put it on my heart to come here, Barr told Lake. Give me a list, and I'll shop for Christmas presents for your kids.

"There was a huge fog over there. I knew she wasn't able to think clearly," Barr recalls. "She clearly needed someone to step in." That small gesture of kindness eased a tremendous burden.

A year later, still wrestling with loss, Laurie joined GriefShare. The national faith-based program of 13 weekly sessions gives people tools for dealing with loss and moving forward. In the Tampa Bay area, 56 churches now offer the program, with an additional 20 in the planning stages.

With the help of the GriefShare facilitator and the support of others who understood what she was going through, Lake found some peace again. She learned how to be prepared for that ambush of feelings, and how to handle "grief brain" – periods of forgetfulness brought on by sadness.

"When I compare where I am now to where I was four years ago, it's a stark difference," she says. "What I've learned the most is that with loss like this, you will always have pain. But you can experience tremendous joy again. You have to learn to live with both of them. That's your new reality."

At big, noisy family gatherings, Lake still catches herself counting the heads of her children. For a moment, she thinks one is missing. Until she remembers.

And at Thanksgiving, someone other than her dad carves the turkey now. It doesn't seem right, yet she knows the baton has been passed. That's not a bad thing; it's just different.

Now Lake volunteers as a facilitator for her church's GriefShare group. It's a source of comfort for her, knowing that she can help usher others through such a difficult time by virtue of her own experience. She's there to show them that life does get better.

On Monday at 7 p.m., Grace Family's group will offer a one-night session, "Surviving the Holidays." The seminar will specifically target how to handle the emotional roller coaster in a season built on good cheer and merriment.

"What happens is that everyone around you is happy and celebrating, and you're the one down and depressed. Your energy is lower. Face it, grief is exhausting," says Ed Philips, a volunteer coordinator for the church's GriefShare ministry. "You need to know how to prepare for what's ahead, how to accept what you cannot change and things you can do for yourself to make it easier."

Like Lake, Philips has been down this road. He lost his father at age 15. Ten years ago, a close friend was brutally murdered. Five years ago, his twin sister – "my best friend in the world" – died of breast cancer. And this past April, his mother died.

The program has given him the coping mechanisms he needed to rise above the onslaught of loss he has endured. He also has experienced how God works in mysterious ways.

"He hasn't wasted my pain. Now I'm ministering to others," Philips says. "The Bible tells us that we grieve with hope. And that's the foundation for our grief process as Christians. There is hope in all of this, even though you may not see it right away."

Laurie Lake shares her story on Michelle Bearden's "Keeping the Faith" segment Sunday at 9 a.m. on WFLA-TV. Michelle can be reached at (813) 259-7613.

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS

When: 7 p.m. Monday

Where: Grace Family Church, 5101 Van Dyke Road, Tampa

Cost: $5, includes workbook

Information: Visit www.gracefamilychurch.org/survive, or call (813) 265-4151.

Michelle Bearden can be reached at (813) 259-7613.

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