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Rest Assured: Kids Just Like To Sleep In

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How do you get your sleepy-head up and at 'em? Here's one dad's not-so-simple tricks.

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By MICHAEL WINTER

mwinter@tampatrib.com

Published: January 2, 2009

Updated: 01/02/2009 12:23 pm

Kids can be tough to put to bed. What parent doesn't know that? They can be just as hard to wake in the morning. Unless it's the weekend. Then they're up at 6 a.m. jumping on your back demanding chocolate chip pancakes and the Disney Channel.

I spent one groggy Saturday afternoon designing a snare that could safely but effectively catch early risers in an escape-proof cage. But then I remembered what my wife said about using small-game traps in the house and how I wasn't allowed to use them anymore because the pulley mounts left marks on the wall.

But I digress.

On weekday mornings, mornings she's actually supposed to be up early, my daughter invariably sleeps in. It's my responsibility as the morning parent to get her fed, dressed, groomed and out the door before she has time to formulate a new excuse for why she can't go to school that day. (A recent favorite: The building was closed because a garbage truck drove over a cow. Details on the relevance of either truck or cow were never forthcoming.)

As a result of her aversion to all things bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I have developed a few basic techniques effective in gently nudging young sleepyheads from the land of dancing sugarplums into the harsh reality of oatmeal, toothbrushes and last-minute homework finished in the car with a broken crayon between helpful observations that A) I'm driving too fast; B) I'm driving too slow; C) the man next to us has his finger up his nose; and D) my car smells funny. These might not work every time, but with enough persistence and finesse, they will spur even the most reluctant riser to hurl a Care Bear at your head.

Role playing: Let's face it; no one likes being dragged from sleep by a parent's cheerful declaration to "rise and shine." Numerous experiments have revealed that colloquialisms such as "rise and shine" and the equally irritating "up and at 'em" actually trigger something called the "burrowing instinct" in children and ground-foraging mammals. This involves scurrying under the covers and digging down through multiple layers of bedding to hide between the fitted sheet and the mattress.

The best way to avoid this disappearing act is to assume the identity of someone or something more persuasive than yourself in coaxing the reluctant from Slumberland. I've found gorillas to be quite effective. They're large. They're hairy. They're prone to inarticulate outbursts and irrational displays of aggression. In short, they're the most dadlike of the higher primates.

Start with a few low grunts. You don't want to "go ape" all at once. Blood-curdling screams tend to annoy the neighbors. Once you have the child's bleary attention, move on to chest pounding and snorting. Knuckle-walking across the bed is sure to earn at least a cracked eye. Add a false charge or two and the victory will be yours. In extreme cases, you may have to pick delectables from your child's hair and munch loudly. This will either disgust her, remind her it's time for breakfast or convince her that her father is a raging lunatic. No matter what, your child will be out of bed and across the room before you can say "Jungle Jim."

Bribery: It's a dangerous habit to get into. You don't want to start promising Barbie Dream Houses or trips to Chuck E. Cheese's just to lure a kid out of bed. A few small, appropriate incitements, however, can work wonders.

Pointing out to your daughter that if she gets up right now, you'll have time to braid her hair is perfectly fine. Pointing out to your daughter that if she gets up right now, you'll have time to braid her pony's hair, the one waiting in the living room, but only for another 17 seconds - because then "Misty" has to go back to the stables forever and ever and will never come back or let any of her pony friends come visit - is not.

Threats: When all else fails, it's time to get tough. You could, of course, simply yank the sheets off, tip the mattress and spill the occupant to the floor, but what fun would that be? OK, that was a trick question. It would be TREMENDOUS fun! But this isn't about fun. It's about good parenting and instilling a lifelong loathing of morning routines into the young and impressionable. Just like our parents did to us. Threats should escalate from the trivial (If you don't get up now, you'll miss Barney playing the xylophone on TV!), to the catastrophic (If you don't get up right now, I won't have time to make your peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich the way you like it and you'll have to eat it with THE CRUST STILL ON!).

Cruelty, thy name is morning.

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