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Slackage: Dobie And Maynard Hear My Plea

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Sometimes the best action in paying for your child's college education is no action.

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Michael Winter

Published: January 15, 2009

$35,456,764.34.

That's what it's going to cost to send my daughter to a public college in 2021, according to a recent study by the National Center for Public Policy and Education. The study also found that tuition and fees increased 439 percent from 1982 to 2007, while median family income rose only 147 percent.

I was, of course, flabbergasted. My personal family income rose 147 percent since 1982?! REALLY? I must be rich! I must be financially independent! I must be a secret millionaire slumming through life with a hitherto unknown stash of wealth that I need only tap to usher my family into the GOOD LIFE! My long-repressed bling drive kicked in. Diamond-encrusted iPhones! Solid gold pizza slicers! Fur on the toilet covers!

Then I remembered that in 1982 I was making about $12 a month in the winter shoveling snow out of my neighbor's driveway, and based on that starting figure I would now be making less than $200 a year. So I guess I'm ahead of the curve, but not enough for a diamond-encrusted iPhone, or even a cubic zirconia-encrusted Nano. And definitely not enough to send my daughter to college in 13 years.

Which is why she had better study hard and get a scholarship, because there's no way I'm going to have $35,456,764.34 to fork over when the time comes.

Sure, setting up a college fund can help. It might even, under ideal conditions, prevent the university from sending large men in sunglasses to your house to flip you over and shake you until your wallet falls to the floor. But unless you're willing to pump two-thirds of your annual income into your kid's fund for 18 years, there's still going to be a significant shortfall when college time rolls around. What to do? My suggestion: Nothing.

Let's face it, after a certain point it's up to the college-bound child to take responsibility for his or her own future. Covering all expenses may seem like the surest way to guarantee a college education, but is it the best? Without the motivation to excel academically enough to earn a scholarship and/or be responsible enough to take on a student loan, what's to keep our pride and joys from becoming spoiled, complacent slackers coasting through the rarified realms of higher education on bong fumes and Jell-O shooter binges?

Which reminds me of a funny story about a goat I was recently visiting…

We interrupt our normally scheduled column for a crotchety, bile-spewing rant.

MY parents never contributed a cent to MY college fund, dagnabbit! I had to slave through high school to keep my grades up and earn a scholarship. I spent 21 hours a day ogling calculus equations and memorizing the chemical composition of various potassium compounds, which resulted in eye strain, sleep deprivation and lingering feelings of inadequacy because Shannon Mills refused to go out with me, claiming I was pale and squinty-eyed and "reeked of protractors." But did I complain? Did I mope? Did I draw horns and warts and missing teeth on her yearbook photo? Of course. But it only made me more determined to go to college and become a famous novelist and get rich and drive my supermodel-filled Porsche in front of the trailer she was destined to share with her high-school-quarterback-turned-overweight-grease-monkey husband. So I guess you could say my parents' lack of financial support made me the man I am today.

We now return to our regularly scheduled column already in progress.

… and that's why I'm no longer welcome at the petting zoo.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that soaring college costs needn't be just a source of worry and concern. They also can be used as leverage to keep your child on the straight and narrow. Because if they think you're going to fork over $35,456,764.34 just so they can take a bunch of art history classes and sit around all day discussing Rilke with some burned-out ex-hippie professor, they've got another think coming.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a yearbook photo I need to dig up and draw an eye patch on.

MICHAEL WINTER can be reached at mwinter@tampatrib.com.

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