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Rules of the wronged

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By MAUREEN DOWD

New York Times News Service

Published: July 2, 2009

Stay focused, ladies. Here is the Practical Guide to Help Spurned Political Wives Survive Old Problems in the Era of New Technology.

1. Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to call girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or "tragic" and "forbidden" telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk's side is overrated.

2. When there's an Associated Press bulletin quoting your husband saying that he has found his soul mate but he's going to try to fall back in love with you, change the locks (at your second home, too).

3. If you can't maintain a dignified Silda Spitzer silence, go to Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or even Deepak Chopra before crying to the AP.

4. When your husband turns into a Harlequin romance, babbling to the AP - yes, even the AP thought it was TMI - about a magical encounter on an open-air dance floor in Uruguay, "a soul that touches yours in a way that no one's ever has," and the "left brain and right brain" compartmentalization of "the world of ideas that impact this country and state" and "the pursuit of happiness, whatever that is," just beat it.

5. If you think the worst is over, it's probably only beginning.

6. No matter how revolting your husband's behavior is, don't be passive-aggressive in public. Refrain from making any remarks that have a veneer of dignity but derogatory subtexts such as: "We're trying to reconcile but it's going to be tough because he has irreparably damaged my children" and "Sure, I'd like to give him a chance if he weren't such a sleazeball."

7. Don't bring the children into it. They suffer enough being the kids of politicians.

8. Even if you're a clever, competent woman, you risk sounding like a stereotypical harridan if you use the kids as a bludgeon and tell the press, as Jenny Sanford did: "You would think that a father who didn't have contact with his children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little bit." When kids are involved, it's best to chill when dishing out revenge.

9. Don't slam his girlfriend for lying when you know she's telling the truth. Don't refer to the baby your rival had with your husband as "it." No one - except the wife - blames the other woman as much as they blame the husband. Besides, you invite The Other Woman's retaliation, as when Rielle Hunter decided after watching Elizabeth Edwards' spill to Oprah that she might want that DNA test after all.

10. High-powered women such as Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their careers to focus on their husbands feel doubly betrayed. But it's not your husband's fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he does.

11. Cut your losses and keep going. Don't let yourself get dragged into his drama or your reputation may follow his down the well.

12. As you stay out of the spotlight that singes your husband, listen to whatever messages he is sending you through the press. When your husband says "that" is a world-class love story, ask him what "this" is. Just don't do it through the AP.

Maureen Dowd is a New York Times columnist.

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