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Mysteries of marriage

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By COLBERT I. KING Special to The Washington Post

The Tampa Tribune

Published: June 30, 2009

Have you noticed the overtone of glee in some of the media commentary about South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's confession of an extramarital affair with a woman in Argentina? The merriment is unbecoming, and it is based on a virtue that many of the gleeful themselves don't possess.

Sanford, to be sure, probably brought the house down on himself with his holier-than-thou stances on the behavior of others, most notably that of Bill Clinton and Republican House Speaker-designate Bob Livingston.

In Clinton's case, then-GOP House member Sanford called for the Democratic president's resignation and voted for his impeachment, pointing to the need to restore "moral legitimacy."

Sanford also came down hard on Livingston, who was forced to step down after Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt nearly outed him as an adulterer in 1998.

"The bottom line," intoned Sanford, "is that Livingston lied. He lied to his wife."

"We as a party," Sanford told the Associated Press then, "want to hold ourselves to high standards, period." Talk about setting yourself up.

Still, there is something unseemly about having fun over another person's failings.

Allow a slightly different take on this.

First, singling out hypocrites is fair game. A number of the politicians involved in extramarital affairs have been among the loudest champions of "family values" and the most vocal critics of men and women in monogamous same-sex relationships. Hypocrisy deserves no cover, be the hypocrite a politician, preacher or self-proclaimed protector of public morals.

But isn't it time that we get our noses out of the private behavior of public officials who don't go around moralizing about other people's private conduct or messing around with the public purse, who are breaking no laws or laws that are rarely prosecuted?

If, as some biblical translations suggest, sin means "to miss the mark," a whole host of folks beyond the public arena must join the sinners' ranks, including large swaths of the media, preachers and special-interest groups devoted to passing judgment on other people's morality.

How about giving it a rest?

In a few days, my wife, Gwen, and I will celebrate 48 years of marriage. I look with awe upon couples who describe their long stretches of marriage as times of untrammeled bliss: I look with awe, not envy.

As a couple, some of our best moments have come about through discovery of self and each other brought on by clashes of near-titanic proportions.

You don't reach nearly 50 years of marriage - at least not in wedlock with yours truly - without learning a thing or two about human frailty, love and the power of forgiveness.

My idea, for what it's worth, is that when someone - well- or little-known - stumbles in marriage, the best thing the rest of us can do, media included, is to back off and give that couple a little space to work it out since they, most likely, are the only two people who know it all.

One thing's for sure - we don't.

Colbert King writes for The Washington Post.

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