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Liner Notes

A weekly column by Tampa Tribune pop music critic Curtis Ross

By CURTIS ROSS | The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 5, 2009

The summer touring season is close at hand, and Liner Notes would like to take this opportunity to say "Good luck!" to all the performers hitting the road. We'd also like to offer these suggestions which, if followed, should ensure a safe and enjoyable experience for all.

1. Bending your knees does not make your guitar solo better. Bending your knees makes it look as though you are striking a pose to divert attention from the total lack of imagination in your playing. Stand up straight and play better.

2. While we're on the subject of bended knees, it's even worse when two of you do it with your backs to each other. Stop it.

3. We're sure you were a very cute baby. We're sure you have rubbed shoulders with lots of famous people and are very, very wealthy. We don't need to be reminded of this with a self-serving video montage of you at your elementary school talent show, you on "Live With Regis and Kelly," etc.

4. This is especially true for you "heritage" acts, as the film of you in your prime will not only remind us how much better-looking you used to be, it will also remind us of how much better your music used to be. Screen at your own risk.

5. Instead of showing video clips, why not play another song or two? Why not do some covers? You're not as good a songwriter as you think you are. Really.

6. Charge anything you want for tickets, but consider this. The best live show I ever saw was The Fleshtones at the Ivory Tusk in Tuscaloosa, Ala. I paid $3 at the door. So if you're charging $60, you should be 20 times better than the Fleshtones were that night; if you're charging $100 you should be 33.3 times better, and so on. And you won't be. Lower your prices.

7. Quit playing footsy with Ticketmaster and Live Nation. You're supposed to stick it to the man, not get in bed with him.

Curtis Ross can be reached at (813) 259-7568.

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