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QUOTH THE (species here), 'NEVERMORE'

Tribune photo by ANDY JONES

Fish may seem like harmless first pets, until they start multiplying at a dizzying pace.

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By MICHAEL WINTER mwinter@tampatrib.com

The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 26, 2009

Updated: 03/27/2009 05:48 pm

I'll never forget my first.

She was a petite, green-eyed beauty with a heart-shaped face and hair the color of a summer storm. She was a bit aloof, maybe even a tad stand-offish, but no more so than you would expect after being the repeated target of a suction-cup-tipped projectile fired from a plastic gun.

I was just trying to make a connection. I wanted us to be friends. Like most of my notions about relationships, however, I was way off the mark. Instead of a beeline pursuit at breakneck speed, I should have been moving more slowly, using a softer touch and words of genteel persuasion. Things might have turned out differently between us.

But I was an 8-year-old boy and she was a gray tabby, and it just wasn't meant to be. Apparently, I wasn't ready for a pet. Or more accurately, I wasn't ready for a cat. I should have started out with something less challenging, something more resilient and suited to my "charms." Something like a potted cactus. A nice miniature prickly pear would have made an ideal starter pet.

Of course, our interactions would have been limited to the occasional loving glance from across the room, but that's the point. A fixed target propped on a windowsill would have been an unsatisfying challenge for a young gunslinger out to test his mettle. Oh sure, I might have fired off a shot or two, just to see if I could nail it from the hallway, but I would have quickly lost interest. And there it would have sat, neglected but unmolested, slowly drying out in the increasing gaps between waterings.

Exactly as it would in the wilds of Nevada or Arizona.

Since those early years, I've come to view pet ownership as something that should be an evolutionary process, a continual progression from simple organisms to ever more complex creatures as the child (or adult, for that matter) proves responsible enough to meet the challenges of fish, boa or badger.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Fish?" It sounds crazy, but some people actually enjoy watching silent slivers of motion dart from one side of a tank to the other. My own family had a three-year infatuation with guppies. We started with six. This was a statistical miscalculation. With six guppies, the probability of having at least one breeding pair is nearly 100 percent. Within 36 months we were the proud owners of approximately 43,726 fish, packed so densely into the tank the result was, for all intents and purposes, a solid block of guppies. Occasionally one would get squeezed out of the mass and shoot across the room with a popping noise, but for the most part they were wedged in tight.

When to begin the long road to responsible pet ownership is open to debate. Some experts advocate an early start, believing the sooner a child learns to cherish an animal, the sooner they'll learn to mail videotapes of them with their heads stuck in buckets or peeing on Grandpa to various television shows, thus providing a much-needed source of supplemental income in these difficult financial times.

If this is your plan, I suggest starting out slow. You may be tempted to go out and purchase a tamarind right away, thinking, "Hey, a small, exotic monkey with needle-sharp teeth, opposable thumps and a musk gland the size of a walnut. What could possibly go wrong?" You'd be surprised. Sure, they're great fun at birthday parties, flinging cake and feces at screaming children with joyful abandon; but when the guests go home, what are you left with? An icing-smeared primate looped up on sugar and territoriality, that's what.

Better to ease into pet ownership with something less prone to psychotic outbursts. Also with no claws, fewer teeth, and less fur or gastronomic activity. Lichen are nice. More lively than pet rocks, but not as moody as sea monkeys - which, let's face it, can be pretty darn persnickety when the PH balance in their bowl of slime is off - lichen make the ultimate low-maintenance companions. They're quiet, clean and nearly indestructible. As long as you or your children don't submerge them in a vat of bleach or cook them on high in the microwave, they'll last a lifetime.

Once your family is comfortable caring for single-celled organisms, start moving up the evolutionary ladder. You're already sharing your house with a variety of insects. Name the next one you find before stepping on it, then flush the carcass and tell the kids it slipped its leash and ran away on its own. It won't be long before you're cohabitating with a reptile, bird or mammal, some of them perhaps even intentionally.

Just make sure your video camera is always within reach. You don't want to miss Aunt Esther being chased across the room by a pack of angry ferrets. That could be worth 10 grand on "When The Fur Flies IV: Weasels Gone Wild."

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