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The pot calling the kettle a Twinkie

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By JOHN KENNEY

Special To The Los Angeles Times

Published: November 1, 2009

"Do you have a medical condition that necessitates marijuana? Do you have a way with words? If so, Westword wants you to join the ranks as our freelance marijuana-dispensary reviewer."

-- posted on Westword's "Latest Word" blog

Dear Sir or Madam:

I'd like to apply for the job, the exact title of which escapes me at this moment. Let's talk about qualifications.

I went to Harvard. But not the one you're thinking of. In Marrakech. I ran cross-country. After graduation, I ran a profitable saffron farm and could often be found wearing a large hat speaking a kind of gibberish Arabic that locals found both amusing and grating.

Look over there. Is that a monkey?

Stress. That's my medical condition.

Also, does a "loser" have a Class 2 license to drive a "vehicle-in-tow" and a moped?

My previous employment, as you'll see from the resume, which is literally ... whoa. That was insane. You ask for references. I give you a challenge. Do you dare to eat a peach? Let us go then, you and I, as the evening spreads itself against the sky, like a patient etherized on a table. I wrote that in my senior year.

I have used power tools, fixed a broken toilet (twice), free-dived to a depth of 18 feet, walked across the Golden Gate Bridge in my sleep, and once I swam with dolphins at SeaWorld, for which I was arrested, as I was naked and SeaWorld was closed at the time.

I believe I am the ideal candidate because I take the inhalation of medical marijuana seriously, unlike my friend, Ben, who thinks everything's a joke. Am I the right candidate? Maybe this will help: Right now, I have my head bent back and am looking out the window, upside down, as the sun is setting (or rising) and there is a lovely, pollution-enhanced burnt-orange glow over the city of Los Angeles.

Except that it dawns on me that I live in Brooklyn. And it's night.

John Kenney is a writer in New York.

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